Musings and Expressions by a Fair Meadow

Mop Hunting: A Homemaker's Tale

2010-07-28T10:53:00.008-04:00

So I've spent an inordinate number of hours researching mops. I never mop. Other than literally getting down on my hands and knees to clean up specific spills, I only mopped our kitchen floor at our last apartment once in the year that we lived there. And that was right before we moved out.

But I did vacuum on more than one occasion... And now we live in a house with wood floors.

I need a good mop.

My decision has come down to these three options:
1) the Mystic Maid - the mop claims to "glide on air" and comes with a wet/dry microfiber pad $33 + a poofy, dry only dusting pad $13
2) the Bissell floor duster $20 + the Eureka Enviro floor steamer $72
3) the Bissell floor duster $20 + the Rubbermaid Reveal mop $30

In the midst of my research I happened across a giveaway for the rubbermaid reveal, which is what prompted this post. So I think I'll give that a go and defer this decision until the conclusion of that contest ;-)

http://confessions-of-a-psychotic-housewife.blogspot.com/2010/07/review-giveaway-rubbermaid-reveal-mop.html

The Gospel. For Real Life.

2008-10-05T18:08:00.002-04:00

My covenant group is reading "The Gospel for Real Life" by Jerry Bridges, and while reading it, I have wanted to write about several different trains of thought but haven't gotten around to it. So now I'm wondering whether I should go back to my first thought and start there or try to fit them all into one post, ha. Shorter posts are better, right? Right.

The gospel. At some point this past spring going through Tim Keller's Galatians study with my covenant group at Perimeter, I was struck with the realization that I actually don't know the gospel that well. Yes, I know that I am a sinner separated eternally from God, that Jesus died on the cross to pay the inescapable penalty for my sins so that I might be reconciled to God and be clothed in His righteousness and be given eternal life in His kingdom. I know these things. I know this good news--this amazing news. And yet, on a day in and day out level, I don't. I don't realize how the gospel affects me the moment I wake up in the morning. Or what role it plays in how I interact with my family and friends. I can give you the right answers for these things, how it should affect me and the role it should play, but when I really look at my life and the reality of where my heart and mind are, I can only honestly say, "I don't really get it."

So it is such a sweet gift that God has brought me from raising this question--Do I really know the gospel?--in my last covenant group to this study in my new covenant group where we are getting to really sink into the gospel, understanding it in new ways and meditating on its role in every aspect of our lives.

You've probably heard the exhortation, "Preach the gospel to yourself everyday." (I think this quote comes from Jerry Bridges, but surely the idea has been around for a much longer time...) This is so important, but it is hard to follow if you do not have an understanding of the depths of the gospel and how it applies to "real life."

I remember one thing that struck me during the Galatians study was how applying the gospel to your life is a very active, effortful process. That no, our efforts do not earn us God's approval and delight but it does take effort to acknowledge and recognize and remember that God's approval and delight is ours because of Christ's life and death on our behalf and to live in light of that truth. This is what the disciplines are for; they're not for perfecting ourselves or making ourselves acceptable in God's sight. They are for keeping our hearts and minds in a position of knowing and claiming and rejoicing in the truth of the gospel, which we are so wont to forget. May we never stop dwelling in, meditating upon, and learning the good news of the Kingdom of God and the Savior King who reigns forever!

My Contribution to the Gas Crisis

2008-09-28T15:15:00.003-04:00

So I assume you know about the gas shortage around the Southeast; if you're not in a city experiencing it, it's pretty crazy. I foolishly let my car get down to an eighth of a tank and started to get genuinely concerned when I drove around for 20-30 minutes one evening unable to find a gas station with gas. I gave up and decided to wait for morning. And that's nothing compared to the stories you hear on the news: waiting for an hour in line only to find that the station has run out of gas before you get to a pump or driving around for an hour looking for gas and then running out before finding any, sheesh.

So it's pretty bad, right? The next morning, I saw that the Walmart on my way to work did have gas, thank the Lord, so I waited my turn for about 20 minutes--not bad at all. I get my gas, and as I walk to my car door, I look at my wallet in my hand and think to myself, "Something doesn't feel right about this...

"Where are my KEYS?!" That's right folks, with my car at the pump, and an at least 20-minute long line of cars waiting, I had locked my keys in my car. Awesome.

Hm, what to do. I went to the station attendant and asked him if he knew how to break into a car. His response? "Do you have a coat hanger?" Um... Well, yes! I don't have my keys or my purse or my cell phone, but I have a coat hanger here in my pocket! Not helpful, ha.

The people all around my car were super nice and helpful, though. These two Mexican men were trying to push down my windows to get in--unsuccessfully, but they were sweet. Then a woman lent me her phone so I could call triple A; I was wary of going that route 'cause they can take awhile sometimes. They actually only took 20-30 minutes though, and I'm wondering if it was because they knew I was blocking a pump!

I felt bad though; what a ridiculous time and place to lock your keys in your car.

It was encouraging to see how the people around me responded to my idiocy though. They were kind and sympathetic and helpful. It's interesting to think of how distance affects how we respond to others. I would guess that those still waiting in line may have had less charitable responses toward me. Granted they also had not been able to get their gas yet, while these kind people had, ha.

Anyway, that's my story, and I hope you enjoyed it, heh.

"You need to get out more..."

2008-09-18T19:49:00.002-04:00

So a week ago or so, one of our maintenance guys came by our apartment while I was home on my lunch break. We had a few things around the apartment that we had asked him to look at... well, Christina had asked him to look at 'cause she's proactive like that, ha. =)

One of the requests was to fix the dripping faucet in our kitchen. Apparently someone had looked at it before and decided that if you turned it hard enough it would stop, so they didn't need to fix it. The problem with this solution was that the faucet was a mischievous faucet and would pretend to stop dripping for a little while and then begin again. Or on other days it would refuse to stop dripping at all no matter which way you twisted it. Drip, Drip.... Drip... Drip... Drip, Drip.

So, we insisted on getting it fixed. And mister maintenance man fixed it. And he showed me it was fixed. And I said, "Yay! That's exciting!"

He looked at me with this surprised, quizzical brow and said, "Exciting? ... If you think that's exciting, you need to get out more." I kind of laughed and shrugged. But then he said it again. "Yeah, you really need to get out more." And I looked at him and thought to myself, "I don't know how to respond to you." And a little while later he said it again! "Man, if you think that is exciting, you seriously need to get out more."

Sheesh, man. Are you the excitement police? Who on earth gets upset over someone getting excited about something that they don't find exciting? Now it makes sense to be bothered by someone complaining about something that doesn't matter. But why should you be bothered by someone rejoicing about something that doesn't matter? Certainly superfluous joy isn't something to be concerned about, is it?

But I felt sad that I wasn't able in the moment to explain to the man that the reason I find joy in such a simple thing isn't because my world is small. I guess perhaps it's a choice? To find pleasure in even the smallest victories and beauties we experience here on earth.

So here's to the pleasure of simple things and getting excited about the disciplining of a mischievous faucet!

...I feel His pleasure

2008-09-01T22:36:00.005-04:00

The sermon this Sunday at Perimeter was on the sacredness of work and the creation mandate--that God calls us to work and created us to work and that our work is meant to be an expression of worship. To work is to pray; "laborare est orare" (I'm having trouble deciphering if this quote originated with Augustine or not... that is who the pastor referenced at least). It was a good message. I was glad of it. When I first saw the topic, I was slightly concerned that I might have a squirming father in the seat next to me, ha. But he was nodding regularly and made a few affirming hmms that assured me that all was well with the world, haha. Christians don't always get this one right--pastor or not.

Anyway, another quote that was brought up came from a scene of Chariots of Fire that was shown. "I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure." Eric Liddell says this to his sister in response to her concern that his running is getting in the way of his missionary work. This got me thinking: when I ____, I feel God's pleasure. What could I put in that blank? I don't think it is my work. I enjoy my work; I am satisfied by my work; I believe that God has called me to it and that it serves His kingdom and purposes. I believe that my work honors and glorifies Him. But I do not necessarily feel His pleasure doing it in the way that Eric felt His pleasure when he ran.

The closest thing I could think of to put in that blank was writing. When I write, I feel God's pleasure. When I write of truth and beauty and love and humankind, when I write from my heart and spirit and really put myself into my writing and work to create something of worth and substance and the words come together to communicate an idea in an accessible and pleasing way, then I feel His pleasure. And when I thought of this, I became concerned about the fact that I have not been writing, and I wondered why this was. I have not felt I have had much to say, and I am not sure if this is laziness or a season or what. But I now think it will be worth it to make writing more of a priority--even when I do not feel like writing or think that I have little to say.

What about you? When do you feel His pleasure? =)

I'm still here =)

2008-07-14T17:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I get in moods where I simply don't feel like writing. Either I feel I have no noteworthy thoughts or ponderings to put down or I have them and get tired at even the thought of trying to put them into words. So I don't write.

And then weeks pass and I think from time to time, "I should write something" only to find that it has been so long that it seems I should have something very poignant to break the silence. And when nothing poignant comes, I continue not to write. Why I feel this way, I am not sure.

So today, I decided to write even though I have nothing particularly noteworthy to say. Rather, since it has been awhile and there have been some changes in my life, I will simply comment on the day to day of this Fair Meadow of a girl. =) By the way, Jennifer Lee means "fair meadow" in case anyone was wondering...

I finally made my decision to quit graduate school and gave up on trying to finish my thesis. I'm not sure I ever explicitly explained that this was the decision I was making over the past few months, but there it is.
I have joined the 9-5 world, and I am loving it. I am the administrative assistant for Christ Community Church in Cobb County GA. I find all the simple tasks I accomplish every day extremely satisfying, and I get to work with a lot of fun people. And though some of my assignments may seem small, simple, even silly sometimes, I know that they are needed and that they are serving my God's kingdom and church, which brings me joy. And I feel competent at what I do, which may seem like a strange thing to say, but after the past couple years, you can't believe how great that feels.
I'm still dancing. I finished Ballroom I at Perimeter church, and enjoyed it for the most part... although I deeply miss my dancing guy friends in VA. It's just not as fun when you have to ask strangers to dance... and strangers that you don't particularly want to dance with in the first place, at that. I love dancing, and it seems like a small injustice that I should discover this while single.
I'm bowling again. You can sign up to get $1.29 game coupons from Brunswick once every other week, so I've been taking advantage of that. I went by myself the first time I used it, which I admit, is a little odd, but I enjoyed it. Last time I went with my friend Adam. And next I'm going with my brothers. =) If you wanna go bowling sometime, let me know. =)

There is more to say... but I have fears that this post is rather dull, heh, and it is already rather long. But now you know that I am still alive and doing rather well and perhaps will be back with something more poignant in days to come. ;-)

PS If you get a chance, you can check out another blog where I'm a contributer: www.reformandrevive.com.

Gotta Dance!

2008-03-30T17:31:00.003-04:00

So I finally went ballroom dancing here in GA last night. Melissa and I braved it together without any boys. It was so much fun. I hadn't been in probably 8-9 months! My, that is too long to go without dancing!

I danced quite a bit with a 7 foot tall man, ha. Ok, I'm not sure if he was actually 7 feet tall, but he was close. He was very sweet and a very good dancer. And I also danced quite a bit with this cute Asian man who was an amazing dancer and reminded me of dancing with Ev back in Richmond. He made me look good, ha.

I love to Waltz, and I enjoy Swing. I need more lessons and practice with most of the others to enjoy them more, I think. I look forward to taking classes soon but am glad that in the meantime we can go to these practice parties. Fun fun. =)

Audience of One

2008-03-28T13:12:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it's really hard to live for an audience of one. My pride, my self-image, my desire for the approval and respect of people I respect and love--even of strangers--make me feel like I must be doing something wrong even though my God says that I am not. I crave words of approval and acceptance and applause of these new steps I am taking. I wince at words of criticism, doubt, and belittling. What a spoiled, soft little child I am.

I am taking my life too seriously again... I listen too intently when others take it too seriously and then start wondering if I was wrong to start dancing to the music and playing with the songs of life. Only one thing is needed. The only thing I need take seriously is my relationship with my King and Redeemer--to sit at His feet, to love Him, and to delight in Him.

One thing I ask of You, this is what I seek--
That I may dwell in Your house, feel your pleasure wash over me.

One thing I ask of You, this is what I need--
That I may hide in your hands, feel your presence fall over me.

And I am confident of this one thing--
That my eyes will be blessed when they gaze upon your beauty,
And my lips will be sweet when they whisper words of praise,
And my heart will be dancing when it knows that you are with me,
And I will see your goodness in the land of the living.

-Ben and Robin Pasley (Waterdeep)

What If There Was No Good Friday?

2008-03-22T00:30:00.005-04:00

This evening I read a chapter from the book The Collected What If? Eminent Historians Imagining What Might Have Been by Robert Cowley titled "Pontius Pilate Spares Jesus: Christianity without the Crucifixion" by Carlos M. N. Eire. It was interesting to hear one man's thoughts on what the effects of this omission might have been.

Of course, from a Christian's perspective, this omission would be the most significant omission possible in all creation, but the simple telling of what earth may have looked like had Jesus died of old age sounds deceptively innocent. In the account Eire gives, the world moves on, societies progress and grow, and religion continues. Jesus is mistaken for a mere prophet. And the world thanks him for teaching submission and nonviolence and love and that Gentiles are welcomed to worship the God of Israel, too. And it all sounds rather okay and normal.

But what is mankind without the cross? What is the story of creation without Jesus' sacrifice? Without His suffering and wounding, and His silence in the face of false accusations? It is so easy for us to live our lives as though the cross never happened because we are blind to reality. We do not really understand that none of our history or our future makes any sense without the crucifixion--that there is a larger story being told, a story of redemption. And without the cross, the story is lost.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say with this post and so I am not saying it very well, heh. But I am glad for a day--a Good Friday--to remember that there was a cross, that Pontius Pilate did not spare Jesus because it was not God's will, and that the story of redemption continues because the Lamb of God was sacrificed for the sins of the world. And now all may become citizens of the coming Kingdom of Heaven because of what the Son of God did and not because of anything we do. This is indeed gospel--good news.

Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world!
- John the Baptist (John 1:29)

Where Am I Gazing?

2008-03-17T23:15:00.003-04:00

I have an interview at PSI tomorrow at 3. I'm doing my best not to get nervous about it. I should be really excited, but I guess I haven't let myself think about it very much in an attempt not to get nervous.

This seems silly to me though because I have no reason not to be excited about the interview. If nothing else, it is a great opportunity to meet an amazing Christian woman who is serving God's kingdom and to learn more about what that all looks like from her eyes. And it's an opportunity for me to share with her where I have been and what God has been teaching me and where I feel He is leading me. And it is simply an opportunity to see if PSI has a need that I can meet. If so, fantastic. If not, then I pray they find someone quickly who can meet their need, and I trust that God will provide new direction.

I trust. I have said, "I trust that God..." innumerable times in my life I am sure. But I find myself of late on the edge of competing perspectives. One says, "I trust God, but, in the meantime, I'm concerned about what people think, I'm anxious about what's going to happen, and I feel the need to go out of my way to make things work to my advantage or to protect myself." The other, a newer perspective says, "I trust God. I can see how He has provided for me even in the darkest of nights. I know that He desires and intends to use me in service for His Kingdom, and I am willing to serve in whatever capacity He so chooses. So here I wait patiently, eager to hear His next assignment, not fearing rejection because 'rejection' is merely a sign pointing me in a better direction."

I want to hold onto that new perspective--that new gaze. I thank God for this new perspective, and I trust that He will give me the strength to fight against the doubts that disrupt the peace of a soul that gazes on a saving God.

Faith is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God. ~A.W. Tozer

The steadfast of mind you will keep in perfect peace because he trusts in you. ~Isaiah 26:3

Praising in the Darkness

2008-03-12T22:41:00.003-04:00

I've been learning a lot lately about praising and loving God in the midst of pain and darkness. Not so much from personal experience at this point in time--although I have been there recently--but that message keeps coming at me from different directions, in different forms:

I'm reading Hinds Feet on High Places, and I've only just begun it, but already I know that Sorrow and Suffering are accompanying Much Afraid on her journey and that the Shepherd will not carry her to the high places... but this is necessary to give her hinds feet.
I'm taking a class on the end times from a pre-mill, post-trib. perspective. If the church is to experience mass martyrdom, betrayal among brethren, and lawlessness on the earth as never before, we must learn to praise and love God in the midst of pain and darkness.
I was talking with a friend recently about the strange state of either being wary of trials ending or missing them because you know that without them it is too easy to lose the desperation for God felt in the midst of them that can lead to deeper, richer, and stronger love and worship. Not that I think you should purposely seek out or lengthen trials, but I see now more than ever how James could say that they are a reason to rejoice:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

I think this passage from Habakkuk is so beautiful and captures the heart of one who is set on praising God, come what may:

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold,
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet
And makes me walk on my high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

The Job-Hunt Begins

2008-03-10T17:01:00.004-04:00

I just submitted my first two job applications today.
One at the Psychological Studies Institute.
One at Perimeter Church.
What will happen next?
I'm feeling rather excited about it at the moment, like reading a mystery novel that's about to unravel.

A Call to Adoration

2008-03-08T16:54:00.002-05:00

Praise the Lord, you who are His children.
Wonder at His boundless Love.
Greet the King, applaud adoration
With the saints in heav'n above.

Humbly bow, you His subjects in fear;
Kneel before His glorious throne.
Laugh and weep, for the Love you revere
Is yours to hold and be known.

INFP or ISTJ?

2008-03-05T00:11:00.003-05:00

Who am I?

Over the past year or so I've come to believe that I really don't have a very good idea of who I am.

Have you taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? It's a fascinating framework, I think, for understanding people and learning more about yourself. But of course it can only go so far...

In high school, I tested as ISTJ. In college, I was suddenly INFP. Now I look at profile descriptions of both and feel like I have a split personality. I know with certainty that I am an introvert (we've already been over that, ha). But when it comes to all the other dimensions, I get lost.

Hm, here's a new way of looking at all of this that I hadn't heard before:

To the outside world, do I appear most:
logical
empathetic
concrete or
abstract?

If I had more readers, I'd take a poll. If you are reading this, let me know what you think. =)

Chiropractic

2008-02-18T23:39:00.002-05:00

I went to a new chiropractor today. He asked me if I would believe him that my headaches could be coming from a problem in my feet. I laughed and said, "Yes." I now have tape around my feet that I'm supposed to keep on for 3 days and "see how my headaches are."

Some might think this sounds crazy, but hey, I prefer unusual hypotheses that actually explain something to doctors who just say, "Well, I have no idea why you get headaches all of the time, but here's a pill that we don't know why it works but it works for most people. Oh, and by the way, it sometimes interferes with people's mental functioning."

Who knows. Maybe the foot thing won't be the answer. Maybe this chiropractor will decide that my headaches aren't due to structural problems, and maybe I'll be left taking the mystery pill that I believe gives me concentration, attention, and word-finding problems. But I'd really prefer getting to the root of the problem if at all possible. And taping my feet seems like as good a place to start as any.

An Unrecognized Minority and Playing the Song of Life

2008-02-15T11:59:00.003-05:00

So I finally bought the book The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney. I've only read the prelude and overture, but I can already tell it's going to be a favorite. Why? Because it will speak in plain language many things that I have felt and experienced my entire life but have been unable to express or articulate even to myself much less to others.

In the prelude, the author speaks of experiences during her childhood that bring back so many memories for me. Getting up the courage to raise your hand in class when you finally have an articulate statement to make to bolster that participation grade only to find that when the teacher calls on you your mind goes blank. Always thinking of a million ideas, comments, observations, feelings, opinions to share an hour too late. Finding the well-versed thoughts in your mind stumbling out in incoherent sentences one moment and having others tell you that you are well-spoken and concise the next. And the author didn't state this specifically, but wondering why no one else seems to struggle with these same issues, as well. She does however, give an answer to why it seems that no one else has these struggles: 75% of the world is extroverted, she states.

I am of course curious how they determined that statistic, but it is easy for me to believe that the majority of at least the American population is extroverted. And that the introverts are even more difficult to notice because we live in an extroverted society. I'm curious if she will discuss the different orientations of cultures in this respect.

Anyway, I also wanted to comment that in the conclusion to her overture, she tells the reader that the book is to be "played with" just as life is meant to be played with. And having the predisposition to take myself too seriously, I appreciated this suggestion. Especially in light of my recent post of letting go. What is this life on earth if one cannot play with the possibilities and laugh off the clinkers? Clinker...I like that. I looked up synonyms for "failure," ha. Clinker is defined as "something that is unsatisfactory, of poor quality, or a failure; a wrong musical note." It's that last definition that grabbed me. Life is a song to be played, and sometimes we hit wrong notes. I fear I have been hitting one wrong note for several months now, and it's made my song sound rather dreadful. And I think it has everything to do with the fact that I forget that life is a song. I was listening to Caedmon's Call this week (their songs can always grab my heart) and this line really convicted me:

"Lord, when you listen for the song of my life, let it be, let it be a song so sweet..."

I want my life to be a sweet song to my Lord's ears. So I want to play with life, to take out the clinkers and create a beautiful melody as He leads me in the right key and rhythm.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T11:17:00.003-05:00

Only once have I even sort of had a valentine. My homecoming date junior year of high school took the occasion to announce his feelings for me and thus I had my first boyfriend. I still remember opening my locker and seeing the rose there. It had a card with it that read something like, "To the only one for me." I remember falling to my knees in a sudden moment of uncharacteristic drama (my locker was on the bottom row) while a voice in the back of my mind thought, "How can he say I'm the only one for him when he hardly knows me." We broke up long before the next V-day rolled around, and by then I was secretly in love with someone else. Unfortunately, that love didn't survive to see the next Valentine's either.

And while I do usually wish that I had someone to spend this special day of love with, I'm not one to wish the day away in the meantime. I'm a romantic. I love romance and romantic things. I love flowers and gifts and chocolate, seeing couples dressed up on a special evening out together, twilight and walks in the park. And those things are no less meant for me just because I don't have a boyfriend or a husband. I have love, and so I will celebrate it.

And I am thankful I have a papa who loves me and is taking me and my mama out for a valentine's dinner. =)

"Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.
But the greatest of these is love."
I Corinthians 13:13

Giving Up or Letting Go?

2008-02-12T14:47:00.000-05:00

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." Thomas A. Edison

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be." Anonymous

One could drive oneself mad always trying "just one more time," no? Certainly there are some pursuits that should not be given up, but just as certainly there are others that were never meant to be sought so adamantly.

"When I'm tempted to do something that feels like giving up, I won't ... because love doesn't give up (I Corinthians, 13). But, lest I push love aside, I will make sure that what I'm holding on to can coexist with love." Jan Denise

I would go even further to say that sometimes we can hold onto things so tightly that we forget love. A thing that may coexist with love may also distract from love when pursued for itself instead of for love's sake.

I think I'm about to give up. I feel I have tried one time too many. Some define insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, and I think giving up may be the key to releasing me from this insanity.

PS
I really enjoyed this quote so have to include it, as well, though unrelated:

"If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself you should say: 'He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.'" Epictetus

2008-02-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

I keep checking my blog to see if I've written anything.

I guess I haven't, huh.

=P

Blogging Philosophy

2008-01-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

I have not written anything in awhile because I am suddenly unsure for what I want to use this blog, and I feel the need to have at least some sort of intentionality. For whom am I writing? What do I want to tell them? What should I tell them? What shouldn't I tell them? Similar questions that halted my writing when I first created a blog.

Right now, I don't know the answers to these questions. So I may be back with random postings, or I may take some time reformulating this place. Feel free to share your thoughts on the matter. A writer likes to know what her readers think--at least this one does.

Colorado

2008-01-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

Colorado is a beautiful state.

My parents and I visited LifeBridge Church in Longmont this morning, which is about 20 or so minutes from Loveland--my dad's hometown where we are staying at my grandpa's house. We commented how the drive is about the same as that we take every Sunday back home in Atlanta to Perimeter.... only more scenic.

It's funny. I feel like the buildings and such are prettier back home, and I wonder if it's simply that any man-made creation would appear dull with the majestic Rockies towering in the background. I just don't run into much on the east coast that inspires the awe I feel when I visit this place. Maybe I haven't been to the right places, but I know that there's just something about this land out here that I love.

My Grandpa

2008-01-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

My Grandpa died last night around midnight. It seemed strange not to go to the hospital this morning and to think that I won't hold his hand again. I said goodbye yesterday. I had told him several days before when I knew he understood me that I loved him and that I would see him again. And I prayed that God would not let him suffer long. And yet I cry. It seems silly to cry when I know where he is, but then I think that Jesus wept and this comforts me. It's just part of being left behind in this broken place, I suppose. And I'm tired.

One of the things I most admired about my Grandpa was his gratitude to God for the blessings in his life and the reverence with which he always spoke to his Lord. He knew that he did not deserve to be so blessed (as none of us are), and he knew that every good gift comes from the Father. He knew that God is God and he was but a man, and I believe God was pleased and honored by this posture of his heart.

This past Sunday morning we sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" at the church I attended, and I was struck with how this song captures the image I have of my Grandfather's heart toward God:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

--Thomas Chisholm

Gone from My Sight

2007-12-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.
-- Henry Van Dyke

My grandpa is dying. It seems such a precious, mysterious, and distressing time--all at once. He will soon know greater joys and pleasures than we could ever dream of, and yet he must first go through an indefinite period of this rather unpleasant process called dying. And we, his family, just want to do what we can to love him as best we can until God decides it is time to take him home.

Before the Throne of God Above

2007-12-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands;
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heav'n He stands
No tongue can bid me to depart.

When Satan temps me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The God of glory and of grace.
One with Himself I cannot die;
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God.

--Charitie Bancroft

This is one of my favorite hymns. I can think of nothing more comforting, hopeful, and wonderful than the message of this poem.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-26T00:51:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Favorite Gifts Received:

Autobot License Tag for Bumblebee
GPS for Bumblebee
Knit Newsboy Style Cap
Barnes and Noble Gift Card
Charlotte's Webb DVD (although I have yet to watch it, heh)

I think Bumblebee will be pleased (he's my car for those who don't know...I'll have to get a picture up here sometime). And I'm excited about the possibility of not having to print out mapquest directions--depending on how reliable I think this little GPS gadget is.

We got dad the Wilberforce movie "Amazing Grace" so we watched that tonight. I had forgotten how good it is. Unfortunately, it turns out that their representation of Wilberforce's wife isn't really accurate (at least according to Wikipedia, ha) -- specifically, that Barbara was not interested in his political activities and the movie portrays her as deeply interested. Alas. I know that really is not the point of the movie anyway, but I guess from a woman's perspective her portrayed influence in the film was inspiring--i.e., encouraging William to continue with his work when he had given up hope--and it was disappointing to me to find that this characterization was not real. On the other hand, I had been thinking to myself that I greatly admire a man like Wilberforce and wish that I could be the sort of woman that could love and support such a person, and yet I am not at all like the woman in the movie. But it does sound like I could be like the woman that his wife actually was (minus the "narrow-minded possessiveness" mentioned, I hope, ha). So there's that...

And then we watched Anastasia because I wanted to watch it, and my family loves me, so they watched it with me. =) Except my mom got tired and had to go to sleep, but Joel and dad watched with me 'cause they're sweet like that.

I sort of feel like I should say more, but I mostly just wanted to wish you, my readers, a Merry Christmas and to, well, sort of prattle about the simple parts of the day. Perhaps I will write on the less simple parts another time.

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour is born to you; He is Christ the Lord."

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2:10-11 & 14

Turtles, Health Food, and Humility

2007-12-16T09:09:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to take down my adsense ads because I didn't really think that ads about the Anti-Christ being revealed and Hell not really existing could possibly be that beneficial or appealing for anyone. And it just always made me want to click on them out of curiosity, which you're not supposed to do. So thank-you Jenn for $6.78. That was very kind of you, and I am doing my best to return the favor ;-)

Maybe some day I will try it out again when I get into a focused research mode. At present, my best expertise is in humility, and I'm afraid there isn't much of a market for said trait--except for this book called "Speak Softly: What's happened to American Humility?" that appears in the ads in my gmail account frequently.

In the past, I think I could have made a decent blog about taking care of red-eared slider turtles, as well as various discussions surrounding health foods and certain health conditions due to my experiences over the past year. Hm...maybe I need to get an exotic pet so I have a reason for having a strange expertise so that I can write an educational blog.

Time to get ready for church. Happy Sunday!

Self-Appreciate

2007-12-13T14:21:00.001-05:00

I know I have written about this before, but it just gives me such warm fuzzies that I felt the need to write about it again.

So at present I'm writing about the issue of humility being equated with low self-esteem, and it led me to look once more in the Oxford American Dictionary, which is so handy on my powerbook dashboard, at the entry about the words appreciate, admire, and esteem.

I get frustrated because people are right to feel that humility seems to imply low self-esteem... This dictionary defines humility as "a modest or low view of one's importance." Sometimes I kind of cringe at dictionary definitions of humility, but I can't really argue with this. And to esteem oneself is to think highly of one's importance, no? And the problem then is that low self-esteem as defined in psychology is just an unhealthy thing. I feel like it all comes down to whether your value and worth depends upon your "importance." Because if your worth depends on being important then having low esteem for yourself will leave you miserable, but if your worth depends on simply being a part of God's creation or something like that then having a low esteem for yourself won't be such a crushing matter.

Ah, I got off track there... on to the warm fuzzies.

The Right Word
All three of these verbs [appreciate, admire, esteem] are concerned with recognizing the worth of something, but in order to appreciate it, you have to understand it well enough to judge it critically.
If you admire something, you appreciate its superiority, while esteem goes one step further, implying that your admiration is of the highest degree.

If we read this, doesn't it then feel very silly to speak of "self-esteem"? What arrogant, vain creatures we suddenly become when you think of all the programs we design to foster self-esteem in our children...

So I call for a reformation. I don't think we intended to nurture little narcissists with our self-esteem building...but I say we reformulate our approach and work towards self-appreciation--understanding ourselves well enough to judge critically (while also acknowledging that our value comes from elsewhere...hm, that got a little confusing). But I think this will foster an attitude of humility much more nicely than admiring ourselves to the highest degree. ;-)

Pandora Radio

2007-12-11T22:26:00.000-05:00

This really is a wonderful site. Free radio that plays the style of music you want to hear. My dad said it's one of the top 5 most visited sites at our church, ha.

My favorite stations?
Today I've been listening to my "Imogen Heap" and "More than Words" stations. They both provide for some great chill yet upbeat tunes (is that oxymoronish?). Of course the amazing part of it all is that they are both slowly but surely being molded to my unique taste. If a song pops up that doesn't suit my ears, I just give it a thumbs down and I never have to hear it again.

And it's free.

Courage for Humility

2007-12-10T12:06:00.001-05:00

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook profile, and I absolutely love it:

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." J.D. Salinger

Christmas Carols

2007-12-09T22:32:00.001-05:00

We sang all Christmas Carols this morning at Perimeter. They are such amazing songs; it is a shame we don't sing them all year long.

Hail the heav'n born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Sun of righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings, ris'n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die;
Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth.
Hark! the herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King."

Goodness, can you hear them singing? Amazing. And that line, "Mild He lays His glory by"...so brief that I have sung it a million times without probably ever really feeling the weight of what it means.

And then I don't know that I have ever either sung all the verses to "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" or at least appreciated them as much as today:

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the angel strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love-song which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife
And hear the angels sing.

And ye, beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing:
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing.

Oh for glad and golden hours!
"Peace on the earth, good will to men, from heav'n's all gracious King."

Seasons

2007-12-07T19:54:00.000-05:00

It seems so strange to think that all of a sudden I live in Atlanta now. Last weekend I was in Richmond getting the last of my things, spending time with friends just like it has been the past 2 years. And I had a lot of fun, but I was also so thankful to find that God had provided a strong peace in my heart that I was doing the right thing, rather than a strong sense of sadness and loss that I had feared would overwhelm me.

Now it's Friday night back in Georgia, and I have energy to go out and do something fun but I suddenly realize that I don't exactly have any "go-to's" here. No regular circles of friends, hang-outs, etc. I know these things come in time but perhaps this is just the first time that I have even had the energy to miss going out. Or perhaps this is the first time I have really looked at my situation as a starting over since I hadn't been sure whether I would be back in Richmond in the spring or not.

Well, here's to the adventure.

PS
Back to Grad School #1 And we'll add "Sand in my shoes" Dido.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T10:49:00.001-05:00

Things for which I am thankful:

God's humility--that He cares for such small silly creatures.
Jesus' humility--that He not only became a man and submitted to death on a cross but that He allows His glory and image to be vested upon anyone who so desires to have it by simply following Him and acknowledging that He is the only one who truly deserves it.
Humiliating experiences that have allowed me to find a better road.
God's patience--that no matter how many times I learn a lesson and how many times I forget it, He is willing to forgive me again and teach me again, if I will only remember to repent and acknowledge my need of Him.
The diversity of mankind--that there are people-people, task-people, vision-people, creative-people, concrete-people, and so on, and that each gift is lovely and beautiful in its own way. I'm learning to appreciate each of these qualities for itself and in the process to actually accept myself for who I am and the way God designed me even if it's not the way I would have designed me, and for this I am thankful.
Hope. I can get entirely fed up with myself and overwhelmed with my unending wandering from the truths I have known all my life, but I have a sure hope in Christ that He is leading me into paths of righteousness.
God's word. It is a strange book, but it is light and life.
Home, parents, family, friends. I feel so incredibly blessed with amazing relationships and a peaceful, safe, loving home in this foreign land.
Laughter, fun, tennis, dancing, music, singing, rain, breezes, fall leaves. The beauties and joys of living.
Conviction, confession, repentance. Perhaps this sounds a strange one, but I have sincerely been thankful for these experiences of late. I am truly thankful when I feel God's Spirit moving in my heart and leading to these experiences because certainly these things do not happen when I am the one in control.
Holiness, Dignity, Glory. I am thankful for visions of majestic kingdoms and the peoples that live in such lands and knowing that we are intended to be those very people.
Words and precision. I love words, and I love precision. Put those together, and I love using the most appropriate word for a particular situation. So I am thankful for occasions when words and precision come together. ;-)
Knitting and other simple tasks. These bring me strange joy.
The hope of marriage and motherhood.
Sorrow and being able to see my folly. These, too, I find to be evidences of the Holy Spirit's presence, and so I am often thankful when I experience sadness in my heart or see clearly the foolishness of my desires or behavior.
Bumblebee, my car. I decided to start calling my car Bumblebee after seeing "Transformers." =) He's so cute. But really, I am thankful for my car. I like him a lot.

For what are you thankful?

Forcing Civility

2007-11-01T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today as I approached the entrance to Barnes and Noble, a man approached the door at about the same distance only from another angle. I could tell that we would arrive at about the same time and that can always be a bit awkward. I considered speeding up or slowing down my pace, but I guess I could not figure out a way to alter my gait in a natural way because I ended up at the door a split second before he—not the result I would have decided upon. “Why would there even be a decision to make here?” you may be wondering and, fortunately for you, here I will offer an explanation:

I did not like the idea of speeding up because it seemed sort of rude, unfriendly, I’m-an-independent-American-woman-and-I-don’t-need-interaction-with-other-humans-ish, or something like that. Rather, I would have preferred to arrive behind him at such a point that he would have the freedom to wait and hold the door for me or to go in on his own without appearing uncivil.

So speeding up was not an option, but for some reason I did not have presence of mind to fain searching in my purse or some distraction of that sort to slow my approach, and not only that, I decided--despite my early arrival to the entrance--that I wanted him to open the door for me. So there I was at the door before him and yet I just stood there when a normal person would have reached out her hand to grab the handle. He did open the door for me, and I smiled and said thank-you very politely and proceeded to open the second door myself, but I can’t help wondering what this man thought of my insistence of gentility.

So, what do you think? Was it rude of me to not only expect but almost force this stranger to open the door for me? Or did I do the world a service by not allowing an opportunity for civility to pass by? Men, what would you have thought of such a girl? Ladies, can you relate?

PS
I wonder if this entry sheds light on why I'm so indecisive?

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T10:14:00.000-04:00

I wish there were a way to transform Halloween into a big dress-up party sans devils, witches, skeletons, as well as all of the pagan, spiritual activity that occurs. Dressing up is fun, eating candy is fun, holidays are fun. I guess I mostly just think we should have costume parties more often--just like there should be more ballroom dancing...or any kind of non-suggestive dancing, for that matter.

I love dressing up, and I love dancing. I wish I lived in an era that held masquerades.

Update

2007-10-23T15:54:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not writing much lately. I have been trying to minimize my computer time in hopes that this might help my head and eye aches.

Let's see, major points:

The elimination diet did not appear to shed light on anything, except that I've decided to limit my soy intake since it apparently reduces thyroid function.
I am on a new thyroid medication, Armour Thyroid, which is made from pig thyroids. I go for a follow-up appointment in a couple weeks to see how the addition is going. I suspect I am now over-medicated since I have been feeling shaky (sign of hyperthyroidism), and yet I am still fatigued and sleeping fine, so maybe not.
I am so tired of headaches that whenever I think about it, I feel like either screaming or crying. I occasionally do the latter and, now that I think about, have never done the former. I'm not much of a screamer--only on roller coasters, I think.
I took a career test the other day and my top results were administrative/clerical and entrepreneur. Perhaps if I had known myself better in high school I would have majored in business in college. Or perhaps not. (shrug)

Mmk, need to get off the computer. I wish you, my readers, a delightful and wondrous day.

2007-10-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

Do you say "toward" or "towards"?

And isn't this such a funny word when you look at it closely?

Yes, these are the things that amuse me.

P.S.
For anyone who is suddenly alarmed that they are not sure of the difference or if they have been improperly using the word, according to the discussion on this blog, it is merely a matter of preference.

Hearts Speaking to Hearts

2007-09-17T16:24:00.000-04:00

I wrote the following account on July 23, 2006 intending for some sort of story to evolve. It has been more than a year, and I don't believe I have once attempted to continue it. But here I sit, a year later, with fresh eyes, and I wonder at the indefinable desires and dreams that I felt in my spirit and heart at that time. To think that almost an entire year past before my understanding of these dreams and desires took on any tangible substance. I think that I understand these things better, but I have been known to think wrong. And yet, even if I do have a better sense of what it is I hoped to be "different," I am just as far from experiencing it as ever. At least that's how it feels. But God is gracious and is able to do far more than we could ever ask or imagine. And so I hope. I hope that I can experience what it's like when hearts speak to hearts.

_________________________
At first, there was nothing.

But soon an awareness grew. The familiar sensation of waking in one's bed. Rolling over and pulling the blankets up tighter, reluctant to leave that state of rest. Ah, sleep. Just a few moments more...

But instead of drifting off again as usual, she found a certain something pulling at the small part of her that had woken. Everything felt familiar, like the gazillion other times she woke in her bed each morning. But this particular morning, she felt herself drawn more towards wakefulness than slumber. There was something in the air--as subtle as a waft of fall leaves and as intangible as the taste of anticipation--something imperceptible yet very physical at the same time was drawing her.

She opened her eyes.

Rather quickly disappointment fell. Everything was the same. She rolled over to face the clock, pulling the bedsheets around her as she turned. 9:47. Just to make sure, she made a quick but thorough scan of her room: bedside table with piles of books, lamp, pictures of college friends on the wall, dresser littered with bottles of lotions and primping products, fireplace with candles and more pictures, wardrobe, curtai-- she glanced back at the wardrobe with a girlish hope that somehow Narnia had come to her small townhouse but smiled off the thought almost as quickly as it arose--, curtains, desk strewn with books and papers, the doorway, and she was back to her bed.

Nothing.

She figured she had just been reading too many fantasy novels of late and so rolled back over for a few more moments rest.
_________________________

It had been an uneventful morning.

Breakfast, a cup of coffee, some research. She decided to head outdoors for a stroll. Summer was ending and she thought she could actually see anticipation for the coming school year in the eyes of a few young gentlemen she passed. "Strange," she thought to herself, "Wouldn't have pegged them as book-lovers." This sent her into ponderings about scholarship and academia when her attention was abruptly swept towards an older woman across the road. Sensing the woman's loneliness, the stroller offered a bright smile, "good afternoon," and a wave. The gesture had a striking impact that made the girl glad.

And she continued to walk.
__________________________

Here we go...

2007-09-04T23:35:00.001-04:00

So I knew this day would come sooner or later--especially when I started getting headaches nearly everyday that would not budge with my usual dose of 3 aleve. I have officially been prescribed an "elimination diet." Dun dun dun. Ha. =)

The nutritionist/functional medicine person (aka Dr. Butler) I have been seeing has asked me to eliminate wheat, corn, dairy, and soy from my diet for 2 weeks to see if my symptoms are due to "food sensitivities." Fortunately, this assignment does not seem so daunting after going through South Beach--mainly because 1) I'm not allowed to eat eggs (which I ate almost every day for 2 weeks on South Beach and I am not an egg fan) and 2) I can eat fruit. This makes me happy.

Hm, I'm realizing that I'm not sure that I ever explained on this here blog why I am doing all of this. Mainly, I noticed last fall that I felt more tired than usual and that my concentration and clarity of thought was not what it had been. I thought it might be an issue with my thyroid hormone replacement (I had my thyroid removed 2 years ago), but the endocrinologist said that wasn't it. A few months later I got a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes--classic signs of mono. I tested positive on the monospot test in April. But here I am 5 months later and the fatigue continues. The traditional docs say that there are cases of mono in which fatigue can last up to a year. Dr. Butler thinks there's more going on. And I'm pretty much willing to try anything to get my energy back.

Fortunately, God has allowed me to spend a semester at home free of the stress of classwork, assistantship responsibilities, and counseling patients--home with my parents who take good care of me, in familiar, comforting surroundings, and even with friends living in my basement. =) I am truly grateful.

And that, my dedicated readers, is my physical health update.

"Man found alive with two legs" or "On the goodness of love of home"

2007-08-31T13:41:00.000-04:00

From G.K. Chesterton's Manalive:

"My grandmother would have said that we were all in exile, and that no earthly house could cure the holy homesickness that forbids us rest."

"I think your grandmother was right ... But I think there is more to be said. I think God has given us the love of special places, of a hearth and of a native land, for a good reason. ... Because otherwise we might worship ... Eternity ... the largest of the idols--the mightiest of the rivals of God. ... I mean...that if there be a house for me in heaven it will either have a green lamp-post and a hedge, or something quite as positive and personal as a green lamp-post and a hedge. I mean that God bade me love one spot and serve it, and do all things however wild in praise of it, so that this one spot might be a witness against all the infinities and the sophistries, that Paradise is a somewhere and not anywhere, is something and not anything. And I would not be so very much surprised if the house in heaven had a real green lamp-post after all."

I really appreciated reading this perspective. I have had ponderings and questions surrounding this idea but did not have any conclusive thoughts other than to say that I know that I love my home in a way that I do not love other places, and yet I also know and feel in a very real sense that it is not my "real" home.

Similarly, I was reading in a magazine that North Carlina established a law this year requiring students to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day and how some schools had sent a letter home asking parents to talk to their children about their family's "approach to the pledge." I personally am bothered by the lack of patriotism in our country, but was never sure if it should bother me as a Christian--mainly, that all nations and ethnicities fall under the rule of the Kingdom of Heaven, so is it right to support one country rather than another?

Likewise, I have wondered about my own lack of concern or passion for other countries and places and people, but I have never felt strongly convicted of this lack. I admire and praise the passion I see in others for the world, and yet I do not find much of this passion in myself. And I cannot tell if this is a wrong lack or simply a lack. I feel more of a calling to learn how to love and serve the people in my immediate surroundings because I see so clearly and painfully how poorly I attend to this small task. It seems for me it would be side-stepping the issue if I were to pour my heart into attention to peoples across the sea or even in the next state when there are people in my house whom God calls me to love and serve. Again, this is not say that I don't think Christians are called to love and serve the world--certainly we are. I am speaking simply of my personal heart and where I find myself--for better or worse.

But Chesterton says something here in this passage that I find comforting and assuring. God does not call us to love the world as a whole. That is His place. He calls us to be parts of the whole, and He uses us in small parts of the whole--we must not entertain our tendencies to think of ourselves as more than small creatures on this earth. Likewise, God is not calling us to an abstract, infinite, all-encompassing life. He calls us to a very concrete, specific, personal life. Similarly, though He is omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, infinite, etc... He is also a Person. He is not anywhere and anything; He is somewhere and something. He is a very specific Being with specific characteristics, desires, intentions. In addition, heaven is not a generic, cookie-cutter, artificial place. It is a personal, unique, very real place. It is all the beautiful things of earth magnified beyond our imaginations. Yet, though being beyond our imaginations, not outside of our ability to perceive.

When you think of heaven, think of all the good, specific, personal, beautiful things you have seen and experienced on earth and know that the things of God's kingdom are made of this stuff, and even better. Is it C.S. Lewis who speaks of this earth as shadows of reality? Think of how a shadow gives you some sense of the real thing. If the shadow is breath-taking, just imagine what the real object must be like.

But do not stop there. When you think of heaven, think most of its Creator and King. For all of this beauty and wonder is dull and lifeless without first loving and admiring the Person who not only oversees, protects, preserves, and sustains it all, but lovingly created it as an outpouring of His glory.

Ah, there is so much else I could say on these matters, but this is already too long! I used to think I was a concise writer. Maybe I am, and I just have more thoughts than are appropriate for a blog entry. Who knows. =)

May you glimpse heaven today and see a bit more of God's glory.

Things I would write about if I took the time

2007-08-30T11:13:00.000-04:00

Entering the Holy of Holies
My car trip home
Life in my parents' house
Headaches vs. Fatigue vs. Lack of Motivation or Willpower
Frustration with the discrepancy between my internal and external personalities
Expertise: my lack thereof and admiration of others'
Concern regarding the domination of blogging topics by me-centered thinking (my own blogging, that is)
Considering people as ants or sheep and wondering at a God who not only adores said creatures but became one
Trying to eat healthy in America

What will I do instead of writing about these things? See about lunch, perhaps read more of Manalive, visit Mercy the kitten with a bright green cast who leaves our house today, attempt to organize the mounds of chaos that is my room right now, yoga, wait for my housemates to come home, go see my nutritionist about some lab results, play scrabble with mom and Hannah if I'm lucky, finish watching Two Towers with everybody, and go to sleep.

I've gone to bed earlier and earlier each night and have been surprised to find myself thus waking up earlier and earlier. I woke up at 7:20 this morning and did not have any trouble getting out of bed--that for me is astounding. Ironic how I went from never waking up naturally before 9:30 am or wanting to get out of bed ever to waking up naturally at 8 am ready to hop out of bed only to find myself exhausted (but not sleepy) the rest of the day. Weird.

Fascinating turn of events

2007-08-24T01:27:00.000-04:00

I should be sleeping, but I felt compelled to comment that actually stepping into this home-for-a-semester life feels like nothing I've felt before. I think it is because this is not something I ever expected or imagined happening, and I can't think of any time in my life where I have ended up in a completely different place than planned. It feels strangely freeing to hardly know a thing about what the next months have in store.

I also wanted to write about my car ride today, but it will have to wait. Sleep has been calling my name for awhile now.

So goodnight.

On the use of articles preceding country names: A pondering

2007-08-21T08:51:00.001-04:00

The other day I left the following comment on a friend's blog:

Drew.
You are no longer in the Ukraine.
Write something.
Love,
Jen

This morning, for some reason, I wondered to myself, "Why do we called it 'the Ukraine'? We certainly don't say 'the France,' whereas 'the United States' makes sense because it is referring to an actual group of states rather than simply a proper name. Hm... did Drew say 'the Ukraine?'"

And then I checked, and I see that he did not. And then I became concerned and did what I usually do in instances such as this: I googled it. And to my relief I found at least some sort of explanation.

I found it highly amusing that they used "La France" as an example of countries preceded by an article when this was precisely the country I thought of to refute the notion of using articles before a country's name.

I am slightly relieved that I did not randomly feel the need to place an article before Ukraine, but I still do not understand why it ever began with "the" to begin with. "La Republica Argentina" seems to make some sense assuming this means "The Argentine Republic" (again, a republic being a thing that would require an article). But why is it "La France"? Why?

Extroversion/Introversion: A Continuum

2007-08-18T23:24:00.000-04:00

Back to the topic of introversion. I figured this would require some expounding and this expectation was confirmed by the comment left by Jenn B, who questioned her own introversion in response to the article I linked, "Caring for Your Introvert." If I were to base my conception of introversion on this one article, I would find myself feeling that I don't fit anywhere in this world--I don't by any means "growl...when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice" but I also know for certain that I do not "think by talking."

Extroversion and Introversion are two ends of a continuum, and the article I reference seems to describe the extreme ends of that continuum. You may find yourself reflected more in one of the caricatures than the other, and this is probably a good indication of which side of the line you fall.

What I find fascinating about this personality trait is the physiological basis of it all (although despite my fascination, I really have not studied much on the matter). My simplistic understanding of this physiological difference is that introverts' bodies and minds have a higher baseline arousal than extroverts. As such, they do not require or seek out external stimulation to raise this arousal as extroverts do. Everything flows from this: introverts prefer alone time, a more quiet and slow pace, they are content to be alone with their own thoughts for hours and find it exhausting to be in large groups for very long; extroverts are literally physically uncomfortable being alone and quiet, their bodies need stimulation so they seek out people and experiences to achieve that stimulation.

Enter important point. Human bodies are not made "either/or." There aren't two levels of baseline arousal--the introvert and the extrovert. I have often been frustrated by people who say things like, "I know you'd never guess it about me, but I'm an introvert. I mean, I definitely need alone time." [Jenn, I'm not talking about you =). I can see that you have introverted qualities.] I would guess that about 95% of all human beings need at least some "alone time." And it's funny how these same people are probably the ones who would ask me why I'm so quiet--perhaps you can see why I would be so frustrated with this.

Just thought of this. It's interesting how the emphasis is on "needing" alone time... I don't usually think of it as a "need" that I must be consciously aware of meeting. For me, it's just a default/preference. If I have the choice to go to a big party or stay at home by myself and read (or even just sit and stare, really, ha) , I honestly prefer the latter. Now I do often make the choice to go to the party because while I enjoy being alone, I know that we were created for relationships, and sometimes investing in relationships means going to big parties. =)

::wandered off for a google search::

Ok, so I felt the need to verify my statements on the physiology of extroversion/introversion and found this site. Not exactly a peer-reviewed journal article or anything, but it seems to describe what I'm talking about pretty well. I didn't read it all, but one thing that caught my attention is the notion that under chronic anxiety, people's baseline arousal increases thus leading extroverts to behave more like introverts. I wonder if this is what is happening when these obviously extroverted people I meet claim to be introverts because of their "need" for alone time. Maybe when they get stressed out they find themselves needing to be alone and not wanting to go out and be around lots of people (suddenly it's overwhelming because their baseline arousal is already high) and so they recognize this as introverted behavior and conclude that they are introverted. Interesting. That is helpful for me, ha. I can understand them better and not be so frustrated =) This is good.

Alright, I hope this was helpful for some people or interesting at the least. Now it is time for some alone time with my bed. ;-)

Dancing

2007-08-17T18:23:00.000-04:00

So my parents' church back in Atlanta has a Ballroom Dance Community. How psyched am I! If only I could be sure I have the energy for it.

I love dancing.

PS This above appears to be a tango dip. Aren't you impressed? ;-)

Introversion and Prayer

2007-08-14T23:20:00.000-04:00

This evening I was listening to an extroverted friend of mine talk about her prayer life, and it made me wonder how introverts' and extroverts' prayer lives might differ.

I read Brother Lawrence's book The Practice of the Presence of God this summer because I have been feeling a desire to know God more intimately and more regularly in my life though I am not sure exactly what this would look or feel like. Lawrence talks of it as an unending conversation, but he also speaks of it as knowing and acknowledging God's presence with you in every moment. And I guess I was realizing tonight that it is the latter I desire because I do not always feel able to keep up that much "conversation." When I relate my relationship with God to my relationship with people, it becomes more clear that I desire a more tangible sense of His nearness and presence with me in the silences. With my closest friends, I love to "just be" with them. I can be wrapped up in reading a book or studying for a test, but I still feel their presence with me. And of course it's a lot easier to be aware of them when there is a physical body there, heh.

It seems I usually only know God's presence when I am speaking to Him. And I want to be more aware of His presence when I am doing other things, to realize that He is experiencing it all with me. I suppose, as Brother Lawrence would advise, I should start practicing.

It's true; I'm an introvert.

2007-08-14T13:37:00.001-04:00

Every so often I come across a comforting reminder that many of my seeming social incompetencies are simply artifacts of being an introvert. Throughout my childhood I was regularly accused of being quiet. It perplexed me why people would be so offended by my silence. (And yes, they were often accusations and not simply inquiries or descriptors.)

With age, I have learned how to step out of my instinctual ways and engage in small talk (gulp) when the occasion calls for such, and I have learned to make myself speak even when I have not organized my thoughts (although this is still difficult). Even so, I have been surprised by accusations of quietness even in relationships where I know I have purposefully spoken more than usual. Thankfully, these accusations come less often now that I am older; I like to think it is because my peers have matured and recognize that it is okay for people to be quiet and that this does not always indicate arrogance or fear. But maybe they have just learned to keep their judgments to themselves. I'm not sure.

I could write more on this subject, but I should get back to work. But here is an interesting article on the matter. I agree with and relate to a lot of what the author says, but not everything. Actually, I was quite frustrated with the way he ended the report. Perhaps some introverts feel this way, and I suppose there are times when I would agree with his request. However, I think a better approach would simply be to ask, "What are you thinking about?" Then be prepared for a reply indicating they'd rather not talk about it and keep in mind that a decline is not an insult to you. Sometimes we just want to think to ourselves, and sometimes we aren't even able to verbalize our thoughts yet. And as this article suggests, this concept is perplexing to many extroverts, but it's true, nonetheless. Thinking before you speak isn't always just a choice to make--for introverts, often there's no way of getting around it.

Edit: 9/18/07
I decided to delete the cute picture I had of a girl making the universal "shh" hand-to-mouth gesture from this post because I was getting a ridiculous amount of visitors simply for that picture which isn't even mine. It was making me nervous. Heh.

Melodies of Crushes: A History

2007-08-11T20:26:00.000-04:00

I think it was at some point on my 5 hour car trip to Charlotte last weekend that I got the urge to blog a list of the songs that represent my history of loves/crushes. I'm pretty sure this came upon me while listening to Imogen Heap sing "Goodnight and Go" which put me on an amusing trip into the not long ago past when I listened to Imogen's album "Speak for Yourself" on a train ride to Philadelphia to visit Joanna. I shan't go into a whole lot of detail due to fear that one of these unwitting young men might happen upon my site ;-)

The song-for-my-crush-of-the-year phase did not begin until high school. Let's see:

1) JH. 10th grade. Hm... Well, perhaps it didn't start until late high school... moving on.

2) KC. 11th grade. "How do I get there from here" Deana Carter. This was kind of a half-hearted connection based on the fact that this was someone I was friends with and could never really figure out if I was attracted to him or not. So the song doesn't fit perfectly, but I remember listening to it and thinking about him--maybe wishing that I felt that way.

3) JG. My boyfriend 11th-12th. At least 2 for this one.

"When you say nothing at all" Alison Krauss. This was the first song we danced to on our first "date"--homecoming junior year.
"Amazed" Lonestar. We also danced to this at homecoming. One night walking around my neighborhood JG suggested that this be "our song." I wasn't convinced--I don't think I ever really loved the song itself, heh--so it didn't really stick. (Or maybe it did since it made this list...?)

4) DR. Hm... lots of songs associated here, but a few that stand out.

"Cowboy take me away" Dixie Chicks
"I still believe" Mariah Carey
"I just don't think I'll ever get over you" Colin Hay (although I never was moved to drink strong whiskey, haha)
There is another song that I have only heard once in my life on the radio--I believe I heard it when my alarm went off to wake me from a nap freshman year, and it amazed me how it reflected my thoughts and feelings at that time. Unfortunately, I do not know who sings it or any of the lyrics. Who knows--maybe I dreamt it...

5) AH. Summer after freshman year of college.

"The Longest Time" Billy Joel. This was actually his song for our relationship which I think is amazing and still makes me happy.
"A Thousand Miles" Vanessa Carlton. It was a long distance relationship (shrug). Haha.

(Who am I forgetting in here? Who was my sophomore crush?)

6) DK. Junior year. Anything Michael Jackson because he loves him.

7) EP. Senior year. Hm... Not sure I had a song for him.

8) Grad school #1. "Goodnight and Go" Imogen Heap.

9) Grad school #2. "One Evening" Feist--for the melody and dancing more than the lyrics.

10) Grad school #3. "Let Go" Frou Frou and "The Walk" Imogen Heap. (I think I just really like Imogen Heap, haha.)

11) Who's next? ;-) I'm hoping for "When I fall in love" Nat King Cole. (I couldn't find a better love song to imply I'm hoping it will be a crush to last a lifetime, heh.)

But for now I guess "You can't hurry love" The Supremes will have to do. =)

Bizarre

2007-08-09T11:20:00.000-04:00

So I confess I do have a visitor tracker on this here blog. And occasionally, I will check in on who has been visiting. Not that I can really tell exactly, but it gives me an idea if it's just my mother or not, haha.

One of the features is tracking referral URL's. Usually this is indicated as "unknown," which I would assume is because the person has a bookmark for my page or simply has it memorized by heart, I'm sure. A few others come from links on fellow bloggers--daily burns, smokeymountainrain. But today I saw something quite extraordinary.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&rlz
=1I7GGLG&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=
disillusioned%20with%20love&spell=1

Not sure if you can interpret that, but this individual found my blog via a google search of "disillusioned with love." I found this rather amusing given my actual post on "disillusioned self-love" is probably miles from the thoughts the seeker desired, but it piqued my curiosity as to why then this person would have clicked on my link amongst a host of what I assumed would be gazillions of web-pages addressing the not uncommon state of being disillusioned with love--a topic that I would imagine to be prime fodder for bloggers world-wide.

Well, I went myself to google and typed in "disillusioned with love." Go ahead. Try it yourself.

Now tell me why on earth is my post the first link on the list? Bizarre.

Humiliation

2007-07-27T13:14:00.000-04:00

My mom jokes with me that maybe I should have picked a different thesis topic because God seems to be giving me more "fieldwork" in the arena of humility than I bargained for.

I really do feel like I have been humiliated over and over again this summer. And I know it is for my good. I know it is breaking through my pride and things I place my identity in other than Christ. But it sure is not fun.

I feel like a star quarterback who got a sweet deal with a good team... only half way through the season, I lost the feeling in my throwing arm. It sort of comes and goes. I can throw, but my consistency, my stamina, my precision, my strength is all just always a bit off--sometimes worse than others. It's discouraging, demoralizing, confusing, sometimes frightening... and I begin to wonder, is this something that is going to go away? Or should I be reconsidering my career options?

So many questions. I am hopeful that God will use this break to strengthen His life in me and to shed light on how He intends to use me--or at least make clear the next step on that path.

I love the country

2007-07-21T18:48:00.000-04:00

I just ate a real apple.

I have been house-sitting for one of my professors this summer. They live 30 minutes outside of Richmond back through some windy roads that pass by fields of corn, small white churches, and homemade signs advertising "Hanover Tomatoes."

Their yard backs into the birthplace of Patrick Henry and has a clearing over a crop that is unidentifiable to an ignorant city girl like me. Though I'm not a city girl through and through. And I was reminded of this when I spotted a few apple trees lining the border between the yard and the field of unknown produce. And I thought of the apple trees in the yard where I grew up--back in South Dakota. We had apple trees, cherry trees, a plum tree... And a strawberry patch that my parents tried to move unsuccessfully. (I told them--at my wise age of probably 7 or 8--that you can't move a strawberry patch.) I remember gathering apples, trying to protect the cherries from ravaging birds, and eating one plum on our back porch. My best friend lived next door, and they had rhubarb. I remember dipping it in sugar to soften it's sour taste--or maybe it was just an excuse to eat raw sugar.

I get the feeling I may have written about this before. Would not surprise me because these are fond memories. =)

While out here, I also discovered the television show Jericho. It's set in a small town in Kansas. And the point is that I'm finding I miss "small town" life. Where people know each other; where there's room to play outside and to wander and explore; where people sit out on their porches and watch the sunset; where your vision of God's creation isn't boxed in by tall buildings and cramped quarters.

Most summers, my family drives out to Colorado to visit my dad's side of the family. To get there, you have to drive across the entire state of Kansas. My brother Eric is not too fond of this drive because "there's nothing out there." I love driving across Kansas--because it's all nature out there, I guess. Crops that span out into the distance further than you could ever dream of seeing in many places. The sky looks so huge that the farms and country houses you pass look like miniature models. The open space, the colors, the vastness is just beautiful to me.

Of course I realize that all of these thoughts and memories are idealized by my romantic tendencies. But still I think there is something to be said for a simple, "country" life.

I think Kansas is a good picture of humility... level with the ground, "of earth", common, simple, unpretentious. And yet, oh so fruitful ;-)

Peruse

2007-07-18T23:40:00.000-04:00

The word peruse makes me angry.

Sometimes--on rare occasions, of course--I will discover that I have been using a word incorrectly. I might think to use it in a sentence, but then feel compelled to check the dictionary--just in case. And voila, indeed it is not the word I had intended. And a sense of relief and satisfaction comes over me as I am now in a position to find a word better suited for my intentions. And usually it is not long before said word is in hand.

And then there is peruse.

I enjoy using the word peruse. I find it a pleasant, playful sort of word. And yet it does not mean what my mind insists that it means. When I think of perusing, I think of a casual meandering. Well, browsing, really. Only I like the word perusing so much more than browsing that I cannot bring myself to use this "b" word in its stead.

Definition of peruse:
read thoroughly or carefully; examine carefully at length

I read this, and still my mind just will not accept it. For some reason, it is firmly established in my heart of hearts that peruse is a care-free, light-hearted activity. And I become torn between beauty and truth. It is a pleasant word, but it is not the correct word!--even if my mind says otherwise. What is a girl to do! Surely there must be another word that carries this meaning; something at least a bit more palatable than browsing. Sheesh.

So what do I do? I check the Thesaurus. Perhaps an antonym for peruse will work. But what do I find there but a horrible mish-mashing of so-called "synonyms." Both scrutinize and glance through are listed as synonyms for this word peruse. It almost makes me feel like abandoning the whole dictionary/thesaurus system altogether.

Familysick

2007-07-14T14:39:00.000-04:00

I talked with my parents, two of my brothers, and my grandfather on the phone this morning. They're all out in Yellowstone National Park as part of the annual summer vacation out west.

Our family visited Yellowstone when I was 6. I seem to have vague memories of walking past bubbling mud stuff--possible even a memory of Old Faithful. So strange how you can have memories that you're not sure are real. Apparently I had a loose tooth on the trip, and I got mad because my dad kept wanting to video me wiggling it.
I had a really good childhood. I miss it. I miss my family and it makes me sad that we're hardly ever all together anymore. Some people say that's just part of growing up and yet it didn't used to be that way. When I talk with peers who live near their family but are not very close to them, it makes me wonder why I'm all the way up here--500 miles from home. I'm blessed to have family that I love to spend time with and so it seems a shame not to take advantage of that, you know?

An Unexpected Phobia

2007-07-09T22:18:00.000-04:00

So it turns out I'm scared of news reporters. Went to Byrd Park with Monica this evening to get some exercise and as we're getting out of the car a news reporter and tv camera guy approach us. I apparently had a deer in headlights look on my face. All I know is I avoided eye contact, looked towards Monica for some sort of rescue I guess, and just kept thinking of all those people you see on tv who end up sounding silly and ignorant. Not that everyone on tv sounds silly or ignorant... but as "smart" as I am, I'm not terribly knowledgeable and so more than likely would end up in this category if asked anything about... well, most anything.

Reporter: "What do you think about the condition of our ozone? We're in a 'code orange.' Were you aware of this? Is the ozone something you think about?"
Jen: "Uh, I don't think I have anything to say about that. Please leave me alone. I don't feel good, I don't look good, and I don't want to sound like an idiot on top of it all. Monica?"

Ok, so I didn't really say that. Maybe just the first and last parts. But Monica was brave and submitted to an interview and performed brilliantly in her usual talkative, passionate, sincere manner ;-) So if you happen to read this right after it is posted, you can check channel 12 in Richmond to see if her interview made the cut. Or maybe you'll get to see both of us walking away from the reporter and tv camera guy feeling very awkward.

Tired

2007-07-08T22:45:00.000-04:00

Night time is often my productive time. I have fond memories of late nights writing papers, last minute studying, all night reading. Okay, sure, some of these memories are not accurately described as "fond," but nerd that I am, I do recall sincerely enjoying many--if not most--of these late nights.

It's 11 pm. I was ready to go to bed an hour ago.

I think fatigue is a ridiculous symptom. But I guess it's kind of like water torture. A small inescapable nuisance repeated over and over at irregular intervals produces an unexpectedly extreme stress reaction. At some point during the last week of June, I think, this extreme reaction hit.

There is so much more to the situation than this post lets on, but I've had complaints about my lack of blogging ;-) so I thought I'd try writing something.

When I thought of the water torture analogy, I looked it up. Wikipedia informs me that Mythbusters did an episode on water torture to see if it really can drive someone insane:

The Discovery Channel series Mythbusters investigated Chinese water torture and found that dripping water on the forehead, by itself, was not particularly stressful. Immobilizing the subject along with a fixed variable water drop schedule proved the most stressful of the methods they tried, and cold water intensified the effect.

What I have found is that when I allowed myself to believe that I could take a break from everything, the anxiety eased tremendously. The thought of "mobilizing" myself is a relief--that I don't have to continue under the pressure of these responsibilities while the persistent drip of fatigue plagues me. Praise God for that.

But I can tell that the thought alone is only a temporary relief; now I'm praying that the realization of that thought is not too far off.

Quick Thoughts

2007-06-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

I love my parents and am so grateful for them, I can hardly contain myself.
I am making progress on my thesis. Praise God.
I went on the South Beach Diet and lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks of "phase 1". Most people lose 8-12. Moral of the story: my body doesn't work right.
My room is now blue. This makes me happy. Thank you, Mama, for all your help! Above is the best "before" pic I could find and then an "after" of that same corner. Below is an "after" showing the contrast wall--although the blue in that picture seems to have more green in it than it does in real life.
I get to go live in a beautiful new home out in the country east of Richmond for most of the rest of the summer. I'm excited.
My new supervisor for practicum is wonderful, and I'll be learning his treatment model for chronic depression (CBASP), which should be fascinating and, I hope, give me some sense of competence as a therapist.
I feel more ready and eager for marriage now than ever and yet at the same time more content and patient with being unmarried than usual. That calls for a much longer entry, but it will have to wait.
I like chamomile tea, which is a good thing since it's supposedly really good for you. Matter of fact, I'm going to go make some right now...

Feist: One Evening

2007-05-26T15:00:00.001-04:00

I posted the lyrics of this song awhile back. Just ran across the video on YouTube, so here it is for your enjoyment. I'm just not even sure what words to use to describe this, but I love it. So cute, so simple. Dancing makes me happy.

Leisure

2007-05-21T14:22:00.000-04:00

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

-- W.H. Davies

Humility like a Child

2007-05-05T18:16:00.000-04:00

"Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4

Where did the phrase "faith like a child" come from? I am genuinely perplexed that this phrase has so thoroughly overshadowed what is actually stated in this text. And it supports a fact I am beginning to notice--we do not preach humility as often and deliberately as we should. Not to say that Jesus wouldn't say we should have faith like a child... but let us not miss the words he actually used, eh?

The reason I noticed this is that I feel that God has been calling me lately--nay, commanding me--to have faith like a child, convicting me that I have been trying to believe in Him from a "mature, adult" standpoint and that this is folly and fruitless. It has led me to judge and doubt Him unjustly.

Faith and humility do go hand in hand... We must humble ourselves in order to believe. We must confess that our intellect, our perspective, our abilities are not enough--that faith is needed and that faith can be chosen. We choose to humble ourselves when we choose to believe.

A counselor told me this week that she thinks humility is believing God--that the humble are those who take God at His word no matter how contrary it may seem to our 5 senses or the logic of our minds. The humble person hears God tell him that he has been made whole and righteous and pure and he believes it even though he sees that he is broken and sinful and adulterated. The humble person hears God say that He is good and that He is sovereign and that He loves His creation and desires that none should perish and he believes it even though he sees suffering, pain, injustice, and men blind to God's grace all around.

This may seem foolish--to put your entire hope and faith in something that contradicts the concrete evidence at your fingertips... but again, it is a choice you have to make. Will you humble yourself, will you choose to believe, casting aside your "evidence" and forgoing trust in your own 5 senses, your own understanding?

"For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." I Cor. 1:18

"But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised... For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he will instruct him? But we [who believe] have the mind of Christ." I Cor. 2:14, 16

Reminds me of Nichole Nordeman's song, "Fool for You":

There are times when faith and common sense to not align
When hardcore evidence of you is hard to find
And I am silenced in the face of argumentative debate
And its a long hill its a lonely climb

Cause they want proof
They want proof of all these mysteries I claim
Cause only fools would want to chant a dead man's name
Maybe its true, yeah but...

I'll be a fool for you
Oh because you asked me too
A simpleton who's seemingly naive
I do believe
You came and made yourself a fool for me

I admit that in my darkest hours I've asked what if
What if we've created some kind of man made faith like this
Out of good intention, or emotional invention
And after life is through there will be no you

Cause they want proof of all these miracles I claim
Cause only fools believe that men can walk on waves
Maybe its true

Unaware of popularity
Unconcerned with dignity
You've made me free
That's proof enough for me

I'd be a fool for you
Oh if you ask me too
A simpleton who's only thinking of
The cause of love

I will speak Jesus' name
If that makes me crazy
They can call me crazed
I'm happy to be seemingly naive
I do believe you came and made yourself a fool for me

2007-04-29T23:44:00.000-04:00

"The truly humble person does not expect to find virtue in himself, and when he finds none he is not disappointed." A.W. Tozer

Life is but a breath

2007-04-25T01:14:00.000-04:00

I have never had someone very close to me die. Three of my grandparents have died, but I was not very close with any of them having grown up in different states. Of course it was painful to lose them, but they were not a part of my daily life and it was more or less "time" for them to go, if you will.

Within the past week or so, I--and many others--have faced a number of different deaths. Of course the VT tragedy which for me was not so much a shocking experience as a harsh reminder of broken humanity and a sorrowful time over the many lives that were so unnecessarily lost.

Then earlier this evening, we learned that the son of one my church's pastors died shortly after being delivered by c-section. Many complications were identified early in the pregnancy and we have been praying fervently since then that God would work a miracle and heal little Owen's body. We were hopeful knowing that our God could perform this healing if He was willing. I was not shocked to hear that little Owen had died; I was crestfallen and feel deeply sympathetic for his mom and dad, but not shocked.

Now I am shocked. I got home from dinner with a friend around 11 and listened to a voicemail I had received while out. It was from my advisor's fourth year student which was odd since we're not close friends or anything. She asked me to call back if I got the message before around 11, so I called her back. Our advisor's husband died of a sudden heart attack a day or so ago. Sandy lost her first husband to cancer only a few years ago. She had just remarried this fall. They moved into a beautiful new home together; I was there just 3 weeks ago. I was so happy for her; he was such a kind, sweet man and their love for each other made me smile. To have lost your life partner, lived alone for some time, and then found new love... only to have it taken away so suddenly. I am shocked and grieved. I really cannot believe it. It just seems so senseless.

The VT tragedy was the result of the brokenness, sinfulness, and perverted nature of a young man. But to me, both Owen and Tim's deaths are more difficult to grapple with... Tim's death is shocking because it was unexpected, but both deaths are troubling to me because they are instances where children of God were given reason to hope that they would be receiving and holding onto great gifts--a son, a husband--only to have them taken away after only a moments enjoyment, and taken away by the brokennes of creation rather than of mankind. For some reason, this is harder for me to accept; I suppose because it seems that although I can make some sense of God allowing man to follow his own wicked, selfish ways into the destruction of self and others, why must our physical bodies be broken such that they can lead to the premature destruction of life. And why must God's children of righteousness continue to suffer under this brokenness.

These questions are not new, of course.

I'm hesitant to post this; I'm not quite sure why. But I felt the need to share this difficult news. Please pray for Owen's parents, that God would be a refuge and comfort in their grief, and for our church family as we wrestle with the death of a child we had all hoped would be saved. Please pray for Sandy that she would find herself wrapped in God's loving arms and for her students and myself that we would know how to support her during this painful and confusing time.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Words of Wisdom

2007-04-21T19:28:00.000-04:00

I am nearly finished with Aunt Jane's Hero. I find myself turning to its pages when I see my heart and mind turned towards worldly things. I--probably foolishly--watched a chick flick this evening (I will not name it for fear of ridicule, heh) and found my heart stirred with desiring a type of love that I know is not real and that would not satisfy any heart outside of film and make-believe. And so there seemed no better remedy than picking up this book that presents such a simple yet real picture of love and life.

One of the striking aspects of the story is how the characters speak to each other. On the one hand, it seems unreal and is surely an artifact of a different time and place and yet there seems to be a caution and purpose in their conversation that I think we would do well to consider. (I think I spoke of this in an earlier post, as well.) On the other hand, I often find myself eager to reprove a certain person in the tale when they speak and surprisingly find the the wise listener offer a response of warmth and love and laughter instead that makes me sure that I am missing some sort of grace and kindness and joy in my perception of people that should be there as a Christian.

I am a listener. Always have been. And at times I am glad of this and other times frustrated. I know that it is a gift of sorts, but often I feel that it is half a gift without the ability to respond to what is heard appropriately and wisely. I want to be a woman who offers wise words, and at times I feel pressure in this regard in that I feel an expectation from myself and others that I will have something helpful, meaningful, poignant, and powerful to say when I can hardly think of what such a word might be. God has granted me the wisdom to know that even in these instances I may speak what little thoughts do come and trust that He will do with them as He will, but I do wish I had more confidence in the words I speak and that I found myself more ready with an apt reply.

This makes me think of a plaque I have in my room at home displaying my name, its meaning, and a verse: Jennifer, Fair Lady, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness" Proverbs 31:26. I had remembered it saying something about speaking wisdom, and I am glad to see the actual verse. I feel more confident praying for the strength and ability to walk in this than had it said "in her tongue is the law of wisdom."

And now a few quotes from Aunt Jane's Hero that I wanted to share:

Aunt Jane [wrote] a kind little note to Tom, to tell him how she rejoiced over and sympathized in the Christian work to which he was giving himself.
...
But a few days later Tom came to her, and said in his simple, honest way, "Aunt Jane, your note has puffed me up so, that I almost wish you had not written it... It made me very happy. But then I caught myself thinking, 'Tom, there must be something uncommon about you if people can write to you in that way!' And then I felt mean that I had thought anything about it." He looked in her face like an ingenuous, very good boy, and she said:

"I don't see but you'll have to pray that you may get back to thinking yourself common again. We have all of us a great deal to learn on these points, but we must learn to bear praise and blame with equal equanimity. We shall, in this world, get most of the latter, but we need shrink from neither as long as both drive us to Christ."

Of course this passage caught my attention as everything I see and hear is filtered through the virtue of humility these days (through thoughts concerning the virtue not through the virtue as I have it, ha). A good part of learning to be humble is just this--learning to bear praise and blame with equal equanimity and getting back to thinking yourself common. No?

And finally:
"We ought to learn to love our friends for what they are, rather than for what we wish them to be."

I think as Christians this is particularly difficult at times because it is easy for us to see what our friends could be and we want this for them out of love, but we must remember that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners and that for whatever reason He holds, our Father has decided that we would go through a process of sanctification and it is wrong for us to expect or desire our friends to be any place other than that place where their Creator has them at this very moment. This is not to say that we are not to encourage, challenge, inspire, and correct... but always in love. And I think we must first love our friend just as he or she is this very moment before we think of pushing him to love and good deeds.

Some might challenge my thoughts by saying that to "love" someone is to push them to love and good deeds. Speaking the truth to someone, pointing them towards the right path--this itself is love for love is active. But I think in this quote, love is meant in the sense of appreciating and valuing. We must learn to value and appreciate our friends just as they are for God values and appreciates us as we are. He is ever patient with us, and if He who is capable of moving us is so, surely we who cannot move our friend, we who know the weakness of the human heart, surely we should be patient and gentle and kind towards our friends in whatever position we find them.

Well, this has grown a lot longer than I expected, which is a shame because I know that the length of posts and the number of readers are inversely related. At least I know my mother will read it, so that makes it worthwhile ;-)

Weary Protest

2007-04-11T18:29:00.000-04:00

I'm in the middle of writing a neuropsychological report that is due right now. I feel like quite the delinquent graduate student. And though I joke about this, it can be quite discouraging.

I hate writing reports. I'm not sure why I hate it so, but I do. And as such I'm not only behind on this class assignment, I'm behind on my practicum paperwork, as well. And I get to add another intake to that growing pile of work this Friday. (sigh)

I thought I had something to say when I opened up this new post. Mostly I just felt the need to pour out some sort of complaint or protest or discouragement or weariness that seems to be settling in my spirit.

I have mono. Is it unhealthy that I am not so much distressed by having this illness as I am that it does not seem to be manifesting itself very strongly? People tell me I need to get lots of rest, that many people stay home and sleep for weeks. But for some reason, I'm honestly not sure I feel any different than usual other than a sore throat (even the swollen glands seem to have gone). But I am distressed because "normal" for me is this horrible in between stage of being well enough to continue drudging on, but not well enough to resist the suggestion that it is okay for me to take a 2 hour nap when I should be finishing a report that is due in 5 hours.

I'm a grad student. I'm supposed to be sleep deprived, stressed out, and overwhelmed with work. Right? All my classmates are and I'm pretty sure they do even more work than I do on a weekly basis. And so I believe myself to be a delinquent graduate student and yet I see not how to overcome this flaw.

I don't know where I'm going with this. So I guess I should get back to that report... =/

Old and Painting

2007-04-02T16:10:00.000-04:00

An exchange between my mother and I:

Me: "Life is so chaotic."

Mom: "What's chaotic?"

Me: "Life."

Mom: "My life's pretty simple right now--I just paint all day."

Me: "I'm jealous!"

Mom: "That's alright. Someday you'll be old and painting, too."

So true, Mom. So true.

I wish . . .

2007-04-01T17:50:00.000-04:00

our worship songs used "we" more often than "I" and that they centered more on the character of God than merely His benefits to us
I knew whether or not my conception of humility is too wide, encompassing antecedents and consequences beyond the thing itself
I did not have so many responsibilities
I were more efficient
I were not discontent with my inefficiency and responsibilities

In case you were wondering... ; )

2007-03-30T00:31:00.000-04:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Obviously I have had a productive night...

woops. =)

"Oh for a book and a shady nook..."

2007-03-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling rather contemplative and as though I have a gazillion ponderings to ponder, but I wish that they could just pour into this webspace rather than being routed through language and fingers.

The quote above is on a pen I have, and I am suddenly longing for a shady tree in a grassy place with bright sunshine and birds chirping and a span of time stretching out before me like a lonely gravel road. Time to fill with meandering thoughts, putting pen to journal, or pages to turn filled with the wonderings of people far from this place.

I wish I did not waste my time so in inefficiency. I might then have an afternoon to search out said shady tree and grassy place.

Ah, for simpler days...

2007-03-26T00:49:00.000-04:00

So I yet again fumbled my self-control and spent last night beginning Aunt Jane's Hero. It's no work of great literature but it paints such a clear picture of simpler, richer days and calls one toward a noble, humble, fulfilling path and brings a sort of peace to my spirit. I look forward to having time to continue in the story beyond the hero's engagement and into the "portrait of a Christ-centered home."

Today was good--I was reasonably productive, I think. Worked in our backyard for a few hours then at a coffee shop with Naomi and Marissa which was pleasant. Daniel joined us and we meandered over to Cafe Gutenburg when the shop closed--had dinner and did some more work. Then Sarah came over and told me about her weekend which was fun and engaging.

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly recording my daily activities here.

I guess I should get to sleep.

Humility, oddly enough, leads us to recognize our human dignity... we were created for God

2007-03-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

So I have no self-control and decided to begin reading A Guide to Living in the Truth: Saint Benedict's Teaching on Humility by Michael Casey. It's so good. I've only read 2 chapters, but Casey keeps hitting on all the things I have been thinking about humility and somewhat making me think "Why write a thesis? This guy already said everything I want to say and with much more eloquence and breadth than I could." But then even he states "to understand humility we need to use the insights from some of the behavioral sciences." So then psychology may be able to provide unique insight into this misunderstood virtue. And it is now my task to figure out the best place to start in such an endeavor. I need not write an expose on all of the nuances of humility; I need to think of a way psychology can shed light on how this virtue functions in human thought and behavior.

I feel compelled to write out some favorite passages from the little I have read thus far:

"There can be no genuine spirituality that does not take seriously the gospel imperative of the paschal mystery. We enter life through the doorway of death. Receptivity of grace involves the diminishment of certain temporal advantages. It could be said that it involves a loss of self."
This is the closest Casey has gotten to reflecting Murray's definition of humility--mainly the losing of self that God may be all. He seems to have a broader conception of the term which I think is good.

"Humility is, above all, a respect for the nature of things, a reluctance to force reality to conform to subjective factors in ourselves."

"In forgetting we are not gods, pride also makes us expect too much from ourselves [in addition to expecting too much from others]. Many people cannot forgive themselves for being human: for their slowness of mind and ineffectiveness of will. ... The first thrust of humility is to inculcate in us an acceptance that we are of the earth; we are humus."

"The recognition of our earthly nature leads us to affirm that our fundamental relationship with God is one of dependence. ... we have nothing to contribute to the relationship except our needs. Our deepest spiritual experience is to feel utterly dependent on God and to want to submit ourselves to the divine will."

"Instinctual thoughts and desires, no matter how disreputable, are not sin. Sin is the free preference for evil over goodness. It is the absurd choice we humans often make for what is intrinsically of less value. Sin is the rejection of the human tendency to seek the good, the beautiful, and the true. Sin is, fundamentally, the denial of our nature."

"To exclude the real because it is imperfect is to live a life ensconced in daydreams. As the old saying goes, 'The best is the enemy of the good.' Or in Chesterton's rephrasing of a nineteenth-century cliche: 'If it is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.'"

"Humility is truth; when opportunity and aptitude coincide, it is humility that impels us to take the risk and act. Humility is not incompatible with the gift of boldness so often mentioned in the Acts of the Apostles. There is, of course, no guarantee of the success of the action or the plaudits of onlookers. Humility helps us to cope with that uncertainty also: the value of a truthful action is not lessened by contingent effects, although it takes a little maturity to recognize this."

"Humility means setting aside the mask ... We present ourselves to others transparently, in all our imperfection and vulnerability. We depend on their good will for acceptance and love, not on the success of our efforts at self-promotion."
What a risky stance! No wonder we have a hard time being humble if our being accepted and loved by others is dependent on their mere good will. But then the Christian is always supported by the Good Will of his Father, Savior, and Spirit and by these his brothers and sisters are also able to accept and love him in his imperfection.

So then my question becomes, is it healthy for someone without the support of this Good Will to be humble? First, is it possible for someone who is spiritually dead to be clothed in humility? I think yes, in that he can accept his earthliness. But where would this humility leave such a one?

"At the heart of Christian anthropology is the conviction of a deep affinity between human nature and spiritual life. The difficulties of living spiritually do not come from our nature, as such, but from the deformation of our nature through selfishness and pride. Humility aims to eliminate the phony aspects of our life and to help us to live in truth. Part of the truth of human existence is that we are called to live for God. Humility, oddly enough, leads us to recognize our human dignity. It reminds us that we were created for God and that we will be profoundly miserable until we devote the substance of our energies to the realization of this innate potential."

So the one who does not realize that he was created for God, humility will not lead him to recognize his human dignity... what will it lead him to recognize?

______________________________________________________________

On another note, I watched Babel tonight. I do not recommend. Unless you need a reminder of the hopelessness and brokennes of this world... and who needs that? Perhaps some people do, but I've seen enough of it in real life, day to day experience lately that watching it for "entertainment" seems absurd. I feel like I really wasted an evening, and I rarely feel that way. Not only wasted, but it left me feeling sick and sad and empty. Alas. At least I enjoyed some good time with two friends and basked in the cuteness of the Burns' children.

I need a productive day tomorrow.

Lists

2007-03-23T02:01:00.000-04:00

Things I have thought to write about lately but have not had the time or willpower:

dancing. and what it can say about a person.
evolution and theism. specifically, pseudogenes and "blind" variation.
addiction to self.
frustration with the already-not-yet. (I think I need to listen to Robert's sermon.)
need love and gift love. and loving the Giver rather than His gifts.

Books laying around my room calling out to be read:

The Narrated Bible in Chronological Order by F. LaGard Smith
A Guide to Living in the Truth: Saint Benedict's Teaching on Humility by Michael Casey
Bradbury Stories: 100 of His Most Celebrated Tales by Ray Bradbury
Aunt Jane's Hero: Portrait of a Christ-Centered Home by Elizabeth Prentiss

Mind you there are a dozen or more others in here that are waiting to be read, but these I most recently acquired and, for that reason or another, seem to be shouting most loudly at present.

Things I must do this weekend instead of addressing either of the above lists:

learning and cognition exam
prepare for a forgiveness intervention group
review an article on a forgiveness intervention conducted in the Philippines
finish writing a neuropsychological assessment report
write up 2 maybe 3 intake reports
train myself in Imagery Rehearsal Therapy
write a "statement of the problem" for my thesis

But first, sleep.

He must increase; I must decrease.

2007-03-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

I read Andrew Murray's book "Humility" today.

It was both inspiring and frustrating. Inspiring in its penetrating truth that true humility is "the displacement of self by the enthronement of God. Where God is all, self is nothing." And frustrating in its seeming incompatibility with my most recent conceptualization of humility--mainly revolving around issues of self-esteem.

Throw the word "self-esteem" to a group of Christians and there is no telling the reaction you will get. Some might not even notice. Some will offer it an affirming nod--perhaps even grabbing at it as a welcome answer to a recent depression experienced. Others shake their heads--in either disgust or sorrow (depending on their humility, I submit).

I, of course, concur with those who champion a God-centered stance versus a self-centered one. But I question whether or not a God-centered life necessitates a disposal of self-esteem. "Esteem" may have been a poor word choice, but that is another issue...

As a psychologist, I guess it is my burden to explain to those who care to open themselves to learning that self-esteem is not the simple self-view it appears. There are many types of self-esteem beyond "high" and "low." I don't claim to be an expert in this area and so won't try to give a thorough review or anything... But the main point I think I want to make is that "building" self-esteem is not always about feeding your pride. I guess I'll refer back to the fact that "esteem" may not be the best word choice. Self-"appreciation" might be better if people knew the distinction between esteem and appreciation.

I like the way the Oxford American Dictionary puts it by contrasting the terms "appreciate," "admire," and "esteem." They're all concerned with recognizing the worth of something, but to appreciate something, you must understand it well enough to judge it critically. If you admire, you appreciate its superiority, and esteem implies that your admiration is of the highest degree.

In this sense then, God-centered living would esteem God alone. But by conferring God His rightful superiority, must the self necessarily be regarded as worthless? Surely we should not self-admire, but when we are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves does this not imply that we should value the self and other equally?

However, the actual frustration I am running into with Murray is not that he attacked self-esteem but rather his emphasis on the nothingness of self, the forgetting of self, the losing of self. I do think that humility is marked by a lack of self-focus, but in my thinking lately, a noncontingent, secure self-esteem seems necessary before one is free to forget about him or herself. Am I correct in believing that we must feel safe and valuable before we are free to forget ourselves? Jesus was secure in his sense of self, that he was eternally loved and valued by God; does His humility not pour out of this confidence? Is it not true that He was able to endure the shame of the cross because He trusted the goodness of His Father's will and design? Could Christ have ever feared losing His status in His Father's eyes? I don't think so for the Father and Son love perfectly and perfect love casts out fear.

I am also wrestling with the implications of a secular humility. I suppose it is not that different than the question posed by our atheist friend at C:ER a few weeks ago... Mainly, that we are saying human love is no love at all apart from a primary love of God. Is humility no humility at all apart from a submission that God is all and I am nothing? I think there must a be a level at which the human-without-God version of things is yet a form of the real thing--a distorted form, certainly, but not wholly separate from the original intention. What do you think?

Barely Breathing

2007-03-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

I'm barely breathing in many ways tonight.

For one, I have a sinus infection. 'Nough said.

Two, I'm definitely feeling the song by this name. And it's that whole "thinking it over" line that really gets me in trouble...

Three, I'm about to head home for spring "break" only it won't be much of a break if I'm serious about not getting kicked out of my graduate program. So that's a bit extreme maybe, but if I don't get some sort of draft whipped out for my thesis, I will be in trouble.

Here's to better breathing to come, eh?

God, help us

2007-03-01T17:11:00.000-05:00

Today, I longed for heaven.

It feels like everywhere I look, people are afflicted--physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally. We are such a broken people--believers and nonbelievers alike. Granted I must believe that it is a different sort of brokenness; some of us have been made alive in Christ. I know this is true despite the suffering and floundering I witness all around.

I glance across the room of Common Cup and find a sweet baby girl in her mother's arms and find myself feeling sorry for her and praying that somehow, by God's amazing grace, that she would be protected from the agony of this world. That she would be raised in joy and peace and happiness and fullness. I know I am praying that she would be raised in a Kingdom where the rightful King sits on the throne and His subjects adore him and delight in obeying His commands. Where people know how to love each other; where people are not so committed to their own protection and well-being that they must miss out on the joys of loving another freely without reserve.

Yet we have good reason to be so invested in our protection, because people are cruel and ignorant and broken. We afflict each other helplessly; we don't know any better. We do the best we know how, and unfortunately, what we know how is pretty pitiful. What a mess.

God, have mercy. I implore you to pour out your Grace in a flood; we desperately need it.

Avoid All Extremes

2007-02-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

So I'm running out of time to mess around. Actually, I ran out of time several months ago, but for whatever reason, I've been ignoring it. I think, and I hope, that I have finally reached the "action" phase of the stages of change. Things must be different. If I am ever going to get my masters, things must change.

The really sad part of this is that this means giving up precious time with the friends I have come to know and love here. In order to gain some sense of control in this situation that appears so hopeless and impossible, I am tempted to say "no more fun." And the truth is, I must say "no" to fun much more often than I have been. But what I really wanted to say here is that I am glad God told me this morning that I needed to go forward for prayer after church today because Mary Beth had exactly the right things to tell me when I told here where I was.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1
"It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecclesiastes 7:18

I do fear God, or at least I want to fear God. My inclination to drop all fun and pour myself into work flows out of my intention to take things into my own control rather than allowing God to guide me step by step--through the dark uncertainty of it all.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" Isaiah 30:20-22

This is how I must live. Dependent upon His wisdom to guide me every hour of every day. I must ask Him continually, and listen intently to hear His voice--which direction do I take for this moment, my Guide and Wisdom?

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' ... But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh." Galatians 5:13,14,16

Another thing I believe God revealed to me this morning: On the drive to church I was praying about all of this and thinking of Henry Blackaby's message that we experience God by joining Him where He is at work, and I was frustrated thinking, "How can I join you when my time is consumed by school?" But then I thought--God told me?--that God is working in the field of psychology. He is moving His people to study the things of His heart. God's heart is for humility; He is for people humbling themselves before Him and others. So then it is not too far of a stretch to rest in the knowledge that my work on my thesis is in fact joining God in His work on earth. Perhaps not what I would expect or what most would think of as His work, but I do think He can and will use this research for His purposes, His will, making known His heart and ways.

And so I find myself hopeful and gaining peace as I take action to live differently.

One more mountain for Him to move regards my health. I don't think I am exaggerating when I blame a lack of energy and slowness of mind for hindering my progress thus far. That is not the whole of what has hindered me, but it is a hindrance. And I am not sure what to do about that. I pray that God would heal me and restore energy and clear, efficient thought whatever the source of these things. I don't need to know the cause if He desires to simply take it away, but if there is something I can/should be doing to heal my body, I pray for direction and guidance in this.

Feist

2007-02-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm obsessed with this song:

"One Evening"
The evening was long, my guesses were true
You saw me see you
That something you said, the timing was right
The pleasure was mine

The time and the place, the look on your face
Sincerest of eyes

If you're ready or not, the state of our hearts
There's no time to take

When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing
It could begin and end in one evening

We were caught by the light
Held on to the day till it became ours
The minutes went by, the cab is outside
There's no time to take

When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening

When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing it could begin and end in one evening
When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening

Not sure why I feel the need to post the lyrics here--doesn't do it justice without the music. And Ben treated me to a sweet dance to it last night which makes it just that much better ; )

"Secret Heart" and "Inside and Out" are pretty great, as well.

Thanks to Sarah for allowing me to enjoy this fun music. =)

Forgiveness

2007-02-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a Forgiveness Seminar with Ev Worthington--one of the top researchers for the psychology of forgiveness (and a wonderful ballroom dancer, as well, ha). For the most part I am enjoying the class, but I think it is probably inevitable in a class with such a narrow focus to at some point get a bit weary of reading in the same area. And as such, I was particularly not looking forward to class this afternoon. In hopes of helping my attitude, I decided to do a little scripture search on forgiveness and made at least two interesting observations.

1) I would estimate that 99.5% of the uses of "forgiveness" and other forms of the term in the Old Testament refer to God's forgiveness of mankind's sin. I believe in my cursory review, I found one, maybe two, references of forgiveness between two humans (Saul asked Samuel to forgive him). Then of course in the New Testament we are introduced to the notion of being forgiven to the extent that we forgive others. But it made me wonder.

I guess it would be no surprise that we humans are much too concerned with wrongs committed against us or that we have committed against those who are significant to us and not concernred nearly enough with how we have wronged God. Christianity is a message of forgiveness, but are we so quick to call people to forgive each other that we forget the One against whom the greatest wrong has been done? Of course this makes me think of King David: "Against You and You alone have I sinned..."

2) Psalm 130:4 really caught my attention:
"But with you there is forgiveness, therefore you are feared."
What an odd "therefore"! Don't you think? Our tendency when we think of forgiveness is to think of warm fuzzies, a loving, merciful, peaceful God offering us a shoulder to cry on, no? But here we see that God's forgiveness is not something to be taken lightly. Let's put it in context:

"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared."

I really like these verses. It highlights the importance of recognizing the reality of the wrong that has been committed. Forgiveness is not condoning, it is not accepting, it is not shrugging it off. Forgiveness can only happen when it is acknowledged that a true wrong, an injustice has occurred. And we must recognize the gravity of our sin against God before we can understand what His forgiveness means. And when we recognize this, we will fear Him in light of His forgiveness. Fear Him, and love Him. Fear Him, and thank Him and adore His mercy towards us.

That's all I have for now. =)

Defining Humility

2007-02-17T18:36:00.000-05:00

My latest conception of humility includes a combination of the following:

Intrinsic self-esteem
Intrinsic other-esteem
Awareness of fallibility--perhaps specifically realizing that you can believe something 100% and still be wrong (thanks, Tom).

Anything missing from that?

We shall see.

I'm surprised I'm not finding more in the literature regarding the concept of "other-esteem." Perhaps I just don't know the right words to use... What would a normal person call other-esteem? Help me out people, ha. =)

Thesis and Therapy

2007-02-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

So I find myself in a very unexpected place. Well into my second year of graduate school and wondering why I am here and if I even want to be here. It all seems so haphazard. Granted it has seemed as though God put things into place along the way, and I trusted that this meant it would continue in a fashion that made sense. But I'm getting lost now.

How do people know what they want to do with their lives? How are you supposed to figure this out?

I know I've only just begun counseling and that I shouldn't judge anything yet... but I have to wonder. I mean, am I going to pour the next 3 years of my life into figuring out what therapy is all about only to discover that it's not what I want to do? I guess that's what people do though, eh? I thought I was a highly patient and compassionate person. And maybe I am but I lack other necessary characteristics of a good therapist...? It just seems like it should be more satisfying. I'm supposed to be helping people and feeling good about helping people. But that's not happening. I don't know if I even like people enough to be a counselor. How horrible is that?

And then there's my darn thesis. Yes, I'm still interested in researching humility, but I have to wonder to what avail? What good does all this research actually do? Is humanity really better off since human behavior came under a microscope? And what can I possibly add to the discussion that someone else wouldn't do just as well or better of a job?

Especially the way my mind has been functioning lately. I feel pretty distant from the "smart girl" role I filled in high school. I believe I do still think well... just slowly? Which isn't good for a competitive field. Is psychology competitive? I mean, I guess I'm just thinking that academia in general is... But then I guess I could just get a job teaching at a small liberal arts college, maybe even a Christian college. But I'm not even sure if I'd enjoy teaching.

I was reviewing some Myers Briggs stuff today and found this statement about my personality type that made me think:

"As young adults, INFPs may have some difficulty finding the ideal career and the ideal mate, in part because of that very word 'ideal'. They have a vision in mind of what they want, yet reality may not follow suit. They may make several starts and stops in their career until they find a comfortable place for themselves."

It's true that I do have an ideal in my mind... though the particulars are missing, heh. But the idea of starting and stopping careers caught my attention. I like the idea of trying different things until I find "a comfortable place," but being in a doctoral program doesn't seem quite amenable to this idea. Then again, "counselor" and "psychologist" are listed often as good careers for INFPs.

I wonder if there is a particular subset of psychology that would better suit my personality than what I've been doing right now.

I know I need to just suck it up and finish my degree... but I don't like doing things just to get them done. And I can't help but believe that what I experience and do in graduate school as a psychologist-in-training has to reflect, at least somewhat, what life would be like as an actual psychologist.

I also have to wonder at my decision to go for the Ph.D. right away. Was that just pride? I knew I could handle it so "why not?" I thought. Then, surprise, I'm not handling it as easily as I thought. Sure I have a 4.0 right now. Just too bad that GPA and classes don't really matter anymore.

I could keep rambling, but I think I'll stop here. Oh wait, I also have to add that boys are annoying. =P But I guess that's nothing new.

This looks fun. Ha. ; )

2007-02-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

Shoes

2007-02-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely the worst shoe-shopper ever.

I have been trying to buy shoes for probably 3-4 months now. Apparently none of the shoe designers in the world have my tastes in mind.

I am not sure why I am so particular about shoes. I think I must have some sort of distorted perspective on it.

I think some people like their feet to look small. I, on the other hand, feel like I need some bulk to my shoes to balance out the rest of me. (One of many reasons I need to lose 20 lbs, ha.) But I'm pretty sure that bulky shoes are out.

I know that high heels and pointy toes are in... I can't handle the pointy toe look even though I do think it looks cute on some people and with certain clothing. And I enjoy the look of a heel, but it's got to be comfortable and walkable... Where does such a shoe exist? In a fantasy land? Heh.

I'm in love with these shoes on the right. Reasonable heal, round toe, adorable. Practical? Not so sure. Unfortunately, they're not available on zappos and I have no idea where I could find them to try them on. But I am in love with them.

Meanwhile, I've purchased 3 pairs from ebay and 2 from Target that I fear all need to be sold/returned.

I bought some really cool dansko pumps on ebay that have a great 50's movie star look to them. Unfortunately, they kind of cut under the ankle and don't match my wardrobe, so I think they'll have to be pawned off to a more suitable owner.

Then there's another pair of danskos after the fashion of men's business shoes. They're somewhat cute and comfortable, but are on the edge of old-ladyish which is what has ultimately pushed me towards heels. Heels rarely look old-ladyish.

I do have a black pair of dansko pumps that I think I really like but unfortunately, they feel a whole size too big (even though they are the same size as the other two that do fit... go figure). So I am stuck deciding whether to sell them and maybe look for a smaller size on ebay (dansko no longer makes them), or try finding inserts to get them to fit.

And then tonight, after discovering the shoes above on the Victoria Secret website, I have found a whole new assortment of shoes to consider on zappos. What's a girl to do?

But I am thankful that I have a very kind and generous brother who provided me with a shoe fund this Christmas; I just hope I can put it to good use sooner rather than later! (Thanks, Joel!)

And that, friends, is my shoe story.

Why I am indecisive.

2007-01-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

It's New Years and tonight I made 2 right decisions and 1 wrong.

Right Decision #1: Drove to Carytown even though I wasn't sure the person I was supposed to meet would be there instead of staying home alone.

Right Decision #2: Opt to go with new friends to their house and hang out with some good, entertaining people instead of staying in Carytown where it apparently got crazy crowded and wasn't that fun or interesting.

Wrong Decision: Leave new friends when half of the party left at 12:15 when I could have stayed and chatted with an intelligent law student who seemed like he might be interested in getting to know me.

Consequence of Wrong Decision: Mad at myself for leaving so soon when I could have had yet another hour of interesting company and conversation ahead of me instead of coming home to an empty house which was followed by a strange episode in the living room with my roommate and some of her friends reminiscing about high school. On the one hand, I am still upset that I did not stay longer with the new friends. The conversation here back at home only highlighted how valuable the missed opportunity was. He reminded me of Joel--or at least someone who would be good friends with Joel--and instead of having a humorous and intelligent conversation with this interesting person, I sat and listened to a group of youngins talk about getting wasted and hooking up in high school. But on the other hand, I am glad these fascinating people showed up because although it did accentuate the appeal of what I had left, it also saved me from an hour of feeling lonely.

Hm, if the conversation I just observed was anything like what conversations were like in high school, then I completely understand why I was so quiet.

Plagued by Humility

2006-11-29T01:27:00.000-05:00

Here I am half-way through my second year of grad school, and I've just changed topics for my thesis that is supposed to be finished by the end of the second year. Yes, there is a little leeway, but I really need to have this thing proposed next semester and defended either summer or early fall.

I am a very last-minute oriented student, and I am discovering how this does not suit a project such as a thesis. Truly, I think the way I have taught myself to work, the best way for me to complete my thesis would be to take an entire month and work non-stop on it... or something like that. Kind of like an extended version of the all-night paper writing I do from time to time. I work well this way and even enjoy it. It's just that if something isn't "due" right then, there are always other things to be done so I turn to them first.

I tried to go to bed early tonight and am beginning to realize that unless I am sleep deprived, early bed-times do not work. I end up tossing and turning until even later than I normally would have gone to sleep. Or perhaps it is just that I have a lot on my mind.

What is humility? How can it be defined? Who is to say what it is or is not? How do I want to define it? Is it defined differently by Christians than Muslims? What about Buddhists? The secularist? Can it be measured? Is it true that once you recognize humility within yourself that it immediately disappears? If this is the case, then why does scripture call us to "humble ourselves"? C.S. Lewis says the first step toward humility is recognizing your pride and that anyone who does not recognize his pride cannot be humble... in this sense, no one is free of pride and as such someone with humility cannot be the same as someone free of pride. Unless this simply means that no fallen human can actually "have" humility in it's purest sense.

God humbled Himself and became a man. This particular act of humility has large implications for its definition. But I wonder if it is fair to define a human virtue by its divine use. But then again, if we are to define something, what better context than that of its perfect form. And where else can one find a perfect expression of humility?

What's in a dream?

2006-10-28T20:07:00.001-04:00

Last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant.

That's a new one!

(Maybe it's because Liz said she would let me be her surrogate, ha.)

The Ministry of Reconciliation

2006-10-23T23:08:00.000-04:00

I will not go into details, but I feel compelled to share with you that God has dropped me into the middle of a situation where I can do nothing but be a minister of reconciliation and it is absolutely amazing. I feel as though I am suddenly living for the first time, that an unopened corner of life has suddenly been opened to me, that a part of living I had heard of for so long that I had sought, prayed for, and desired is now being realized. And this is not to say that from here on out I will continue to live in this part of God's Kingdom, but let me just say that it is a beautiful and enlivening part of His house and I am fantastically grateful for the privilege of being used by God in this way. I am so undeserving but then He delights in using the undeserving, so it should be no surprise.

"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." II Corinthians 5:18-21

It is difficult sometimes living as a citizen of God's kingdom when the reality of His kingdom is so hidden by the distractions of our world, the comforts and security of our society. And so it is refreshing to be in a situation where all of that is stripped away and I can see in someone else's life that God's kingdom is a reality and our only hope in a fallen and untrustworthy world.

I also wanted to comment on "Facing the Giants" since I saw it tonight, but I think that will have to wait. I would encourage you to go see it while it's in theaters right now though; it's not often you get to hear people praising God in the face of harship on the big screen.

Virtual Relationships

2006-10-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

So I read this article in The Atlantic about the future of video games. The article focused on two innovative and visionary minds, Mateas and Stern, whose dream is to make virtual characters so real that players "feel like you're immersed in an actual relationship."

As I read, I cringed a bit and could feel many of my friends cringe with the thought: "It is a sad state of affairs when we must turn to computers to fill the relational void that pervades our lives and our society." I do wonder why it is that interacting with an artificial intelligence has such a draw and intrigue when we so readily give up on interacting with the real intelligences around us.

On the other hand, the clinical psychologist in me immediately thought of the therapeutic use of such technology. Instead of waiting for particular interactions and dynamics to come up in therapy sessions, these could be simulated in a virtual role play. Social skills, communication, conflict resolution, forgiveness... these could all be practiced in a controlled environment, confidence and competence gained with which to send an individual out to use these experiences in real life with friends and family. Furthermore, it need not be limited to clinical environments. If children and adults were "playing" out these interactions in their spare time, would it not readily transfer to real living and lead to better relationship skills? "Jen, you can't be serious," you might be thinking. And my reply is that I am leaving out numerous caveats, cautions, and limitations that come immediately to mind as I write this... But let me just ask, would this type of entertainment not be a step above the mindless shoot-em-up, action games that pervade the market today? I am willing to be wrong on this point. Because it would not be better if people then ended up spending more time with fake people than real people...

Wow, this is such a loaded entry that I'm surprised I'm posting it. But it is a fascinating and engaging idea and very possibly a phenomenon that we will face one day.

There is obviously more that could be said, but I have other things that require my time. But if you're interested in a taste of what Mateas and Stern are seeking to create, a prototype is available for free download at www.interactivestory.net. There you will find a program called "Facade" that is basically a 20 minute one-act interactive drama in which you visit two friends who are in the middle of a marital crisis. Your presence and input affects (and actually effects, I suppose) the outcome of said crisis. Sadly, my computer does not have a high enough processing speed to keep up with the program so I have not made it past an initial introduction through Grace and Trip's front door before they stand before me speechless and blinking.

If you do try it out, please let me know what you think!

Autumn Leaves

2006-10-02T23:11:00.000-04:00

Enjoyed a pleasant escape this afternoon. I was only a few blocks from home and a few blocks from work... but it seriously felt like another world. I sat on a bench in the Lombardy children's park under a golden tree, blue sky above, and sunlight breaking through the leaves; small, adorable children wandering around and peering up at the solitary girl with curious eyes as their parents kept careful watch from a distance. So quiet, so peaceful, so carefree and pleasant. It was a delight watching as various mothers, grandmother's, and fathers brought their children to and from the park. What a delight having children must be. As a girl, I never felt the strong desire for motherhood that some experience, but I suddenly, within the past few months, have found my hope growing that I would know this unique joy someday. It truly fills me with wonder.

Growing Up

2006-09-09T16:38:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am actually going to say this, but ...

I am--for the first time, to my knowledge--officially tired of school.

I have been in school for the last 19 of my 23 years. That's a lot of school. Practically 2 decades. I'm not saying I never whined or complained about reading, writing, or arithmetic in those 19 years... but I don't remember ever actually wishing that I could leave the full-time work of becoming educated.

Too bad I have 3 years yet ahead...

3 years. That's not so long, is it? And I will also readily acknowledge that these feelings may wander off in a day or two. Let's hope for that.

I think a large part of this sudden disinterest in school are the changes that occur at my age--mainly, the fact that the majority of my peers have "finished" school and are off to different lives. They're getting married, starting families, beginning 9-5 jobs with leisurely weekends--entering an entirely different type of life while I continue with the same old routine. In addition to this, many of my colleagues have already experienced that sort of adventure and are now returning to academia... and I can't help but wonder whether or not I would be renewed in my love of learning had I taken a break. Not that these said colleagues give any indication that this would be the case.

Really, I just want my motivation back.

Disillusioned Self-Love

2006-08-26T00:41:00.000-04:00

"Discouragement is disillusioned self-love" Oswald Chambers

This statement is strangely encouraging to me. It seems to both frame discouragement as a positive occurrence--for is it not good for our self-love to become disillusioned?--while it also emphasizes that we are not meant for lives of discouragement. Chambers is calling us to Christ-love in which the self is so hid in Him that it is essentially forgotten. If our sole love and desire is Christ, then there is never need to be discouraged because He is ours and we are His, now and always.

I must say, I am perplexed in entering the question of a right self-view. A godly self-view. I know that self-esteem does not really fit, so I had thought something such as self-compassion might have potential... But then there is humility, as well... I think I would like to know more about humility, but by its nature, it seems to be a rather elusive construct.

Humility and otherness. Forgetting self and yet finding yourself so connected to others that you think on them as you would think on yourself. Hm... I want to go back and review what Lewis says about these matters.

Ah, high school

2006-08-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

Now I'm not saying I would want to do it all over again or anything... But sitting here watching/helping my cousin Hilary with her 10th grade homework, there is something to be said for brief, daily assignments that one loses moving onto college. I suppose this simply speaks to the nerd I was in high school (yeah, yeah, and still am), but I really did enjoy that feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment in completing 20 algebra problems, diagramming 10 sentences, memorizing a few Bible verses, etc.

I suppose my longing for these simpler days is amplified by the replacement of said assignments by a 100 page research paper to be completed over the span of 2 years. Ah, grad school.

Boys and Love... well, new commandment love, that is

2006-08-16T22:39:00.000-04:00

Being friendly with boys is such a precarious endeavor, and one with which I seem to be quite clumsy. Of late I have found myself being strangely bold and conversational with all the wrong ones while erring towards aloof and inattentive with the right ones. Of course it could be that I think they are the right ones only because I have kept them at a distance... [If you are a boy reading this, please don't read too much into this, heh.]

But as I was saying, it is a precarious endeavor, and though I may not be quite as clumsy as I seem to myself, I do wonder at such relationships and what they should look like.

Which brings me to another question on my mind of late (and by "of late" I really mean off and on for several years). Jesus gave us a new command: to love one another. Further, he said that our obedience to this command is that by which others would recognize us as his disciples.

What then, I ask, does this love look like? Service, sacrifice, laying down your life for the other, considering the best interest of others before your own... I want to love as God desires me to, but I know that I do not. It makes me think of a discussion we had at dgroup last week about power and form... that power is ineffective without form. If I have the desire to love but no structure through which to channel this desire, the desire has no real impact.

The psychologist in me wonders that there isn't a more structured, practical way of learning how to better love. Granted I know it's a tricky balance between seeking to love in your own strength rather than in the only Strength that allows for true love... but still, it is a balance, no?
(And I sometimes wonder if we make it out to be "trickier" than it is...)

"Practice kindness and compassion each to his brother" Zechariah 7:9

These activities that we are to practice--kindness, compassion, love--just seem so abstract to me. I want an operationalization of them, something I can grab onto and actually practice. Not that we need to measure how much kindness and compassion we are engaging in--for the measuring seems to encourage unhealthy comparison--but something measurable is something graspable.

Thoughts?

Dear Summer, Where hast thou gone?

2006-08-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

I am most assuredly in denial that it is already August.

I have indulged in the freedom and lazy air of summer to such an extent that I am not sure how one ever comes out of such a state. But I trust God will give me the drive, strength, and fortitude necessary when the time comes.

The sermon at Harvest this Sunday was focused around a call to gratitude. It was a passionate and well-driven message. I wonder if I could ever be so passionate in speech as to work up a sweat as that man did? Hm... probably not. =)

But in response to his call, I will list a few things for which I am thankful at present:

1. God's patience
2. Mint green tea
3. Long conversations with friends about life and faith (preferably over a yummy cup of coffee)
4. Family: both in the concrete and abstract sense
5. Knowing that I get to drive home this Friday
6. Productive therapy sessions
7. Skirts and comfortable heeled shoes
8. Thunderstorms
9. My comfy bed
10. Seeing what a mess I am and knowing that it is ok (i.e., by Grace, of course)

I could continue, but 10 seems like a nice number for such a list.

Oh! Also, a big thank-you to all 4 of you who responded to my request for comments. And for those of you who read without saying "hello"... shame on you. I'll give you a second chance:

Leave me a list of things for which you are thankful!

Recommitment

2006-07-19T14:12:00.000-04:00

Ok, I really mean it this time. I am going to give this blogger thing a real go. I've decided to give up the "Currently Reading/Listening/Watching" capability in favor of hearing comments from unknown and unacknowledged non-xangans. So don't let me down, friends! I want to hear your thoughts, reactions, and encouragements! =) (Hm...do they not even have smileys on this thing? heh)

Let's test out the new feature: Whoever you are reading this, please drop a hello and, in honor of the lost Xanga traits, let me know what good book you've read this summer, movie you've watched, or cd you've enjoyed.

Okay, okay, I'll start:

Stranger in a Strange Land, Heinlein. Very engaging and thought-provoking.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Entertaining but I'm not sure that it warranted the box office record it earned (shrug).

Imogen Heap, "Speak for Yourself." I enjoy this CD very much--it's fun and different. [Why do you have to be so cute? ; ) ]

I've Converted

2006-02-16T23:46:00.000-05:00

So it seems that my new world is full of bloggers, and so here I am making the move from xanga to blogspot. We shall see how this works out.

(For those of you interested in the past: www.xanga.com/GazingSoul)