Thesis and Therapy

So I find myself in a very unexpected place. Well into my second year of graduate school and wondering why I am here and if I even want to be here. It all seems so haphazard. Granted it has seemed as though God put things into place along the way, and I trusted that this meant it would continue in a fashion that made sense. But I'm getting lost now.

How do people know what they want to do with their lives? How are you supposed to figure this out?

I know I've only just begun counseling and that I shouldn't judge anything yet... but I have to wonder. I mean, am I going to pour the next 3 years of my life into figuring out what therapy is all about only to discover that it's not what I want to do? I guess that's what people do though, eh? I thought I was a highly patient and compassionate person. And maybe I am but I lack other necessary characteristics of a good therapist...? It just seems like it should be more satisfying. I'm supposed to be helping people and feeling good about helping people. But that's not happening. I don't know if I even like people enough to be a counselor. How horrible is that?

And then there's my darn thesis. Yes, I'm still interested in researching humility, but I have to wonder to what avail? What good does all this research actually do? Is humanity really better off since human behavior came under a microscope? And what can I possibly add to the discussion that someone else wouldn't do just as well or better of a job?

Especially the way my mind has been functioning lately. I feel pretty distant from the "smart girl" role I filled in high school. I believe I do still think well... just slowly? Which isn't good for a competitive field. Is psychology competitive? I mean, I guess I'm just thinking that academia in general is... But then I guess I could just get a job teaching at a small liberal arts college, maybe even a Christian college. But I'm not even sure if I'd enjoy teaching.

I was reviewing some Myers Briggs stuff today and found this statement about my personality type that made me think:

"As young adults, INFPs may have some difficulty finding the ideal career and the ideal mate, in part because of that very word 'ideal'. They have a vision in mind of what they want, yet reality may not follow suit. They may make several starts and stops in their career until they find a comfortable place for themselves."

It's true that I do have an ideal in my mind... though the particulars are missing, heh. But the idea of starting and stopping careers caught my attention. I like the idea of trying different things until I find "a comfortable place," but being in a doctoral program doesn't seem quite amenable to this idea. Then again, "counselor" and "psychologist" are listed often as good careers for INFPs.

I wonder if there is a particular subset of psychology that would better suit my personality than what I've been doing right now.

I know I need to just suck it up and finish my degree... but I don't like doing things just to get them done. And I can't help but believe that what I experience and do in graduate school as a psychologist-in-training has to reflect, at least somewhat, what life would be like as an actual psychologist.

I also have to wonder at my decision to go for the Ph.D. right away. Was that just pride? I knew I could handle it so "why not?" I thought. Then, surprise, I'm not handling it as easily as I thought. Sure I have a 4.0 right now. Just too bad that GPA and classes don't really matter anymore.

I could keep rambling, but I think I'll stop here. Oh wait, I also have to add that boys are annoying. =P But I guess that's nothing new.