"The truly humble person does not expect to find virtue in himself, and when he finds none he is not disappointed." A.W. Tozer

Life is but a breath

I have never had someone very close to me die. Three of my grandparents have died, but I was not very close with any of them having grown up in different states. Of course it was painful to lose them, but they were not a part of my daily life and it was more or less "time" for them to go, if you will.

Within the past week or so, I--and many others--have faced a number of different deaths. Of course the VT tragedy which for me was not so much a shocking experience as a harsh reminder of broken humanity and a sorrowful time over the many lives that were so unnecessarily lost.

Then earlier this evening, we learned that the son of one my church's pastors died shortly after being delivered by c-section. Many complications were identified early in the pregnancy and we have been praying fervently since then that God would work a miracle and heal little Owen's body. We were hopeful knowing that our God could perform this healing if He was willing. I was not shocked to hear that little Owen had died; I was crestfallen and feel deeply sympathetic for his mom and dad, but not shocked.

Now I am shocked. I got home from dinner with a friend around 11 and listened to a voicemail I had received while out. It was from my advisor's fourth year student which was odd since we're not close friends or anything. She asked me to call back if I got the message before around 11, so I called her back. Our advisor's husband died of a sudden heart attack a day or so ago. Sandy lost her first husband to cancer only a few years ago. She had just remarried this fall. They moved into a beautiful new home together; I was there just 3 weeks ago. I was so happy for her; he was such a kind, sweet man and their love for each other made me smile. To have lost your life partner, lived alone for some time, and then found new love... only to have it taken away so suddenly. I am shocked and grieved. I really cannot believe it. It just seems so senseless.

The VT tragedy was the result of the brokenness, sinfulness, and perverted nature of a young man. But to me, both Owen and Tim's deaths are more difficult to grapple with... Tim's death is shocking because it was unexpected, but both deaths are troubling to me because they are instances where children of God were given reason to hope that they would be receiving and holding onto great gifts--a son, a husband--only to have them taken away after only a moments enjoyment, and taken away by the brokennes of creation rather than of mankind. For some reason, this is harder for me to accept; I suppose because it seems that although I can make some sense of God allowing man to follow his own wicked, selfish ways into the destruction of self and others, why must our physical bodies be broken such that they can lead to the premature destruction of life. And why must God's children of righteousness continue to suffer under this brokenness.

These questions are not new, of course.

I'm hesitant to post this; I'm not quite sure why. But I felt the need to share this difficult news. Please pray for Owen's parents, that God would be a refuge and comfort in their grief, and for our church family as we wrestle with the death of a child we had all hoped would be saved. Please pray for Sandy that she would find herself wrapped in God's loving arms and for her students and myself that we would know how to support her during this painful and confusing time.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Words of Wisdom

I am nearly finished with Aunt Jane's Hero. I find myself turning to its pages when I see my heart and mind turned towards worldly things. I--probably foolishly--watched a chick flick this evening (I will not name it for fear of ridicule, heh) and found my heart stirred with desiring a type of love that I know is not real and that would not satisfy any heart outside of film and make-believe. And so there seemed no better remedy than picking up this book that presents such a simple yet real picture of love and life.

One of the striking aspects of the story is how the characters speak to each other. On the one hand, it seems unreal and is surely an artifact of a different time and place and yet there seems to be a caution and purpose in their conversation that I think we would do well to consider. (I think I spoke of this in an earlier post, as well.) On the other hand, I often find myself eager to reprove a certain person in the tale when they speak and surprisingly find the the wise listener offer a response of warmth and love and laughter instead that makes me sure that I am missing some sort of grace and kindness and joy in my perception of people that should be there as a Christian.

I am a listener. Always have been. And at times I am glad of this and other times frustrated. I know that it is a gift of sorts, but often I feel that it is half a gift without the ability to respond to what is heard appropriately and wisely. I want to be a woman who offers wise words, and at times I feel pressure in this regard in that I feel an expectation from myself and others that I will have something helpful, meaningful, poignant, and powerful to say when I can hardly think of what such a word might be. God has granted me the wisdom to know that even in these instances I may speak what little thoughts do come and trust that He will do with them as He will, but I do wish I had more confidence in the words I speak and that I found myself more ready with an apt reply.

This makes me think of a plaque I have in my room at home displaying my name, its meaning, and a verse: Jennifer, Fair Lady, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness" Proverbs 31:26. I had remembered it saying something about speaking wisdom, and I am glad to see the actual verse. I feel more confident praying for the strength and ability to walk in this than had it said "in her tongue is the law of wisdom."

And now a few quotes from Aunt Jane's Hero that I wanted to share:

Aunt Jane [wrote] a kind little note to Tom, to tell him how she rejoiced over and sympathized in the Christian work to which he was giving himself.
...
But a few days later Tom came to her, and said in his simple, honest way, "Aunt Jane, your note has puffed me up so, that I almost wish you had not written it... It made me very happy. But then I caught myself thinking, 'Tom, there must be something uncommon about you if people can write to you in that way!' And then I felt mean that I had thought anything about it." He looked in her face like an ingenuous, very good boy, and she said:

"I don't see but you'll have to pray that you may get back to thinking yourself common again. We have all of us a great deal to learn on these points, but we must learn to bear praise and blame with equal equanimity. We shall, in this world, get most of the latter, but we need shrink from neither as long as both drive us to Christ."

Of course this passage caught my attention as everything I see and hear is filtered through the virtue of humility these days (through thoughts concerning the virtue not through the virtue as I have it, ha). A good part of learning to be humble is just this--learning to bear praise and blame with equal equanimity and getting back to thinking yourself common. No?

And finally:
"We ought to learn to love our friends for what they are, rather than for what we wish them to be."

I think as Christians this is particularly difficult at times because it is easy for us to see what our friends could be and we want this for them out of love, but we must remember that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners and that for whatever reason He holds, our Father has decided that we would go through a process of sanctification and it is wrong for us to expect or desire our friends to be any place other than that place where their Creator has them at this very moment. This is not to say that we are not to encourage, challenge, inspire, and correct... but always in love. And I think we must first love our friend just as he or she is this very moment before we think of pushing him to love and good deeds.

Some might challenge my thoughts by saying that to "love" someone is to push them to love and good deeds. Speaking the truth to someone, pointing them towards the right path--this itself is love for love is active. But I think in this quote, love is meant in the sense of appreciating and valuing. We must learn to value and appreciate our friends just as they are for God values and appreciates us as we are. He is ever patient with us, and if He who is capable of moving us is so, surely we who cannot move our friend, we who know the weakness of the human heart, surely we should be patient and gentle and kind towards our friends in whatever position we find them.

Well, this has grown a lot longer than I expected, which is a shame because I know that the length of posts and the number of readers are inversely related. At least I know my mother will read it, so that makes it worthwhile ;-)

Weary Protest

I'm in the middle of writing a neuropsychological report that is due right now. I feel like quite the delinquent graduate student. And though I joke about this, it can be quite discouraging.

I hate writing reports. I'm not sure why I hate it so, but I do. And as such I'm not only behind on this class assignment, I'm behind on my practicum paperwork, as well. And I get to add another intake to that growing pile of work this Friday. (sigh)

I thought I had something to say when I opened up this new post. Mostly I just felt the need to pour out some sort of complaint or protest or discouragement or weariness that seems to be settling in my spirit.

I have mono. Is it unhealthy that I am not so much distressed by having this illness as I am that it does not seem to be manifesting itself very strongly? People tell me I need to get lots of rest, that many people stay home and sleep for weeks. But for some reason, I'm honestly not sure I feel any different than usual other than a sore throat (even the swollen glands seem to have gone). But I am distressed because "normal" for me is this horrible in between stage of being well enough to continue drudging on, but not well enough to resist the suggestion that it is okay for me to take a 2 hour nap when I should be finishing a report that is due in 5 hours.

I'm a grad student. I'm supposed to be sleep deprived, stressed out, and overwhelmed with work. Right? All my classmates are and I'm pretty sure they do even more work than I do on a weekly basis. And so I believe myself to be a delinquent graduate student and yet I see not how to overcome this flaw.

I don't know where I'm going with this. So I guess I should get back to that report... =/

Old and Painting

An exchange between my mother and I:

Me: "Life is so chaotic."

Mom: "What's chaotic?"

Me: "Life."

Mom: "My life's pretty simple right now--I just paint all day."

Me: "I'm jealous!"

Mom: "That's alright. Someday you'll be old and painting, too."


So true, Mom. So true.

I wish . . .

• our worship songs used "we" more often than "I" and that they centered more on the character of God than merely His benefits to us
• I knew whether or not my conception of humility is too wide, encompassing antecedents and consequences beyond the thing itself
• I did not have so many responsibilities
• I were more efficient
• I were not discontent with my inefficiency and responsibilities