Avoid All Extremes

So I'm running out of time to mess around. Actually, I ran out of time several months ago, but for whatever reason, I've been ignoring it. I think, and I hope, that I have finally reached the "action" phase of the stages of change. Things must be different. If I am ever going to get my masters, things must change.

The really sad part of this is that this means giving up precious time with the friends I have come to know and love here. In order to gain some sense of control in this situation that appears so hopeless and impossible, I am tempted to say "no more fun." And the truth is, I must say "no" to fun much more often than I have been. But what I really wanted to say here is that I am glad God told me this morning that I needed to go forward for prayer after church today because Mary Beth had exactly the right things to tell me when I told here where I was.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1
"It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecclesiastes 7:18

I do fear God, or at least I want to fear God. My inclination to drop all fun and pour myself into work flows out of my intention to take things into my own control rather than allowing God to guide me step by step--through the dark uncertainty of it all.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" Isaiah 30:20-22

This is how I must live. Dependent upon His wisdom to guide me every hour of every day. I must ask Him continually, and listen intently to hear His voice--which direction do I take for this moment, my Guide and Wisdom?

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' ... But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh." Galatians 5:13,14,16

Another thing I believe God revealed to me this morning: On the drive to church I was praying about all of this and thinking of Henry Blackaby's message that we experience God by joining Him where He is at work, and I was frustrated thinking, "How can I join you when my time is consumed by school?" But then I thought--God told me?--that God is working in the field of psychology. He is moving His people to study the things of His heart. God's heart is for humility; He is for people humbling themselves before Him and others. So then it is not too far of a stretch to rest in the knowledge that my work on my thesis is in fact joining God in His work on earth. Perhaps not what I would expect or what most would think of as His work, but I do think He can and will use this research for His purposes, His will, making known His heart and ways.

And so I find myself hopeful and gaining peace as I take action to live differently.

One more mountain for Him to move regards my health. I don't think I am exaggerating when I blame a lack of energy and slowness of mind for hindering my progress thus far. That is not the whole of what has hindered me, but it is a hindrance. And I am not sure what to do about that. I pray that God would heal me and restore energy and clear, efficient thought whatever the source of these things. I don't need to know the cause if He desires to simply take it away, but if there is something I can/should be doing to heal my body, I pray for direction and guidance in this.

Feist

I'm obsessed with this song:

"One Evening"
The evening was long, my guesses were true
You saw me see you
That something you said, the timing was right
The pleasure was mine

The time and the place, the look on your face
Sincerest of eyes

If you're ready or not, the state of our hearts
There's no time to take

When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing
It could begin and end in one evening

We were caught by the light
Held on to the day till it became ours
The minutes went by, the cab is outside
There's no time to take

When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening

When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing it could begin and end in one evening
When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening

Not sure why I feel the need to post the lyrics here--doesn't do it justice without the music. And Ben treated me to a sweet dance to it last night which makes it just that much better ; )

"Secret Heart" and "Inside and Out" are pretty great, as well.

Thanks to Sarah for allowing me to enjoy this fun music. =)

Forgiveness

I'm taking a Forgiveness Seminar with Ev Worthington--one of the top researchers for the psychology of forgiveness (and a wonderful ballroom dancer, as well, ha). For the most part I am enjoying the class, but I think it is probably inevitable in a class with such a narrow focus to at some point get a bit weary of reading in the same area. And as such, I was particularly not looking forward to class this afternoon. In hopes of helping my attitude, I decided to do a little scripture search on forgiveness and made at least two interesting observations.

1) I would estimate that 99.5% of the uses of "forgiveness" and other forms of the term in the Old Testament refer to God's forgiveness of mankind's sin. I believe in my cursory review, I found one, maybe two, references of forgiveness between two humans (Saul asked Samuel to forgive him). Then of course in the New Testament we are introduced to the notion of being forgiven to the extent that we forgive others. But it made me wonder.

I guess it would be no surprise that we humans are much too concerned with wrongs committed against us or that we have committed against those who are significant to us and not concernred nearly enough with how we have wronged God. Christianity is a message of forgiveness, but are we so quick to call people to forgive each other that we forget the One against whom the greatest wrong has been done? Of course this makes me think of King David: "Against You and You alone have I sinned..."

2) Psalm 130:4 really caught my attention:
"But with you there is forgiveness, therefore you are feared."
What an odd "therefore"! Don't you think? Our tendency when we think of forgiveness is to think of warm fuzzies, a loving, merciful, peaceful God offering us a shoulder to cry on, no? But here we see that God's forgiveness is not something to be taken lightly. Let's put it in context:

"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared."

I really like these verses. It highlights the importance of recognizing the reality of the wrong that has been committed. Forgiveness is not condoning, it is not accepting, it is not shrugging it off. Forgiveness can only happen when it is acknowledged that a true wrong, an injustice has occurred. And we must recognize the gravity of our sin against God before we can understand what His forgiveness means. And when we recognize this, we will fear Him in light of His forgiveness. Fear Him, and love Him. Fear Him, and thank Him and adore His mercy towards us.

That's all I have for now. =)

Defining Humility

My latest conception of humility includes a combination of the following:

Intrinsic self-esteem
Intrinsic other-esteem
Awareness of fallibility--perhaps specifically realizing that you can believe something 100% and still be wrong (thanks, Tom).

Anything missing from that?

We shall see.

I'm surprised I'm not finding more in the literature regarding the concept of "other-esteem." Perhaps I just don't know the right words to use... What would a normal person call other-esteem? Help me out people, ha. =)

Thesis and Therapy

So I find myself in a very unexpected place. Well into my second year of graduate school and wondering why I am here and if I even want to be here. It all seems so haphazard. Granted it has seemed as though God put things into place along the way, and I trusted that this meant it would continue in a fashion that made sense. But I'm getting lost now.

How do people know what they want to do with their lives? How are you supposed to figure this out?

I know I've only just begun counseling and that I shouldn't judge anything yet... but I have to wonder. I mean, am I going to pour the next 3 years of my life into figuring out what therapy is all about only to discover that it's not what I want to do? I guess that's what people do though, eh? I thought I was a highly patient and compassionate person. And maybe I am but I lack other necessary characteristics of a good therapist...? It just seems like it should be more satisfying. I'm supposed to be helping people and feeling good about helping people. But that's not happening. I don't know if I even like people enough to be a counselor. How horrible is that?

And then there's my darn thesis. Yes, I'm still interested in researching humility, but I have to wonder to what avail? What good does all this research actually do? Is humanity really better off since human behavior came under a microscope? And what can I possibly add to the discussion that someone else wouldn't do just as well or better of a job?

Especially the way my mind has been functioning lately. I feel pretty distant from the "smart girl" role I filled in high school. I believe I do still think well... just slowly? Which isn't good for a competitive field. Is psychology competitive? I mean, I guess I'm just thinking that academia in general is... But then I guess I could just get a job teaching at a small liberal arts college, maybe even a Christian college. But I'm not even sure if I'd enjoy teaching.

I was reviewing some Myers Briggs stuff today and found this statement about my personality type that made me think:

"As young adults, INFPs may have some difficulty finding the ideal career and the ideal mate, in part because of that very word 'ideal'. They have a vision in mind of what they want, yet reality may not follow suit. They may make several starts and stops in their career until they find a comfortable place for themselves."

It's true that I do have an ideal in my mind... though the particulars are missing, heh. But the idea of starting and stopping careers caught my attention. I like the idea of trying different things until I find "a comfortable place," but being in a doctoral program doesn't seem quite amenable to this idea. Then again, "counselor" and "psychologist" are listed often as good careers for INFPs.

I wonder if there is a particular subset of psychology that would better suit my personality than what I've been doing right now.

I know I need to just suck it up and finish my degree... but I don't like doing things just to get them done. And I can't help but believe that what I experience and do in graduate school as a psychologist-in-training has to reflect, at least somewhat, what life would be like as an actual psychologist.

I also have to wonder at my decision to go for the Ph.D. right away. Was that just pride? I knew I could handle it so "why not?" I thought. Then, surprise, I'm not handling it as easily as I thought. Sure I have a 4.0 right now. Just too bad that GPA and classes don't really matter anymore.

I could keep rambling, but I think I'll stop here. Oh wait, I also have to add that boys are annoying. =P But I guess that's nothing new.

This looks fun. Ha. ; )

Shoes

I am absolutely the worst shoe-shopper ever.

I have been trying to buy shoes for probably 3-4 months now. Apparently none of the shoe designers in the world have my tastes in mind.

I am not sure why I am so particular about shoes. I think I must have some sort of distorted perspective on it.

I think some people like their feet to look small. I, on the other hand, feel like I need some bulk to my shoes to balance out the rest of me. (One of many reasons I need to lose 20 lbs, ha.) But I'm pretty sure that bulky shoes are out.

I know that high heels and pointy toes are in... I can't handle the pointy toe look even though I do think it looks cute on some people and with certain clothing. And I enjoy the look of a heel, but it's got to be comfortable and walkable... Where does such a shoe exist? In a fantasy land? Heh.

I'm in love with these shoes on the right. Reasonable heal, round toe, adorable. Practical? Not so sure. Unfortunately, they're not available on zappos and I have no idea where I could find them to try them on. But I am in love with them.

Meanwhile, I've purchased 3 pairs from ebay and 2 from Target that I fear all need to be sold/returned.

I bought some really cool dansko pumps on ebay that have a great 50's movie star look to them. Unfortunately, they kind of cut under the ankle and don't match my wardrobe, so I think they'll have to be pawned off to a more suitable owner.

Then there's another pair of danskos after the fashion of men's business shoes. They're somewhat cute and comfortable, but are on the edge of old-ladyish which is what has ultimately pushed me towards heels. Heels rarely look old-ladyish.

I do have a black pair of dansko pumps that I think I really like but unfortunately, they feel a whole size too big (even though they are the same size as the other two that do fit... go figure). So I am stuck deciding whether to sell them and maybe look for a smaller size on ebay (dansko no longer makes them), or try finding inserts to get them to fit.

And then tonight, after discovering the shoes above on the Victoria Secret website, I have found a whole new assortment of shoes to consider on zappos. What's a girl to do?

But I am thankful that I have a very kind and generous brother who provided me with a shoe fund this Christmas; I just hope I can put it to good use sooner rather than later! (Thanks, Joel!)

And that, friends, is my shoe story.